Today I smoked weed, all by myself. I've done such progress in therapy, but what is the point of it if I still feel this bad.
Like I learned how to code HTML webpages, but when I was 10... So now that's very much wasted time. I wish I had a purpose.
I mean, actually, I know that I am making progress and I know that this is important, not like that HTML course I had, but it's hard to see that despite all the developments I've accomplished, I still cry watching a series that has a strong, hot, British woman. I still feel triggered by the woman with huge tits at the beginning, and I want to have her tits, but also I want no tits at all. And then again, who the fuck am I?
What the fuck do I want?
I am constantly changing and I am trying to understand how it is that comparisons aren't about me or my skills. Maybe that's a keyword to this whole mess, but maybe it's not.
I am tired and I have been receiving aggressive behaviors the whole day. This is exactly what happened last time you were sick, but you blamed it on me and I didn't know better, but this time I do know better, I do see further. I see us wanting time alone not understanding it, and I see you being aggressive and I see me being tired.
But then, when I am actually alone, nothing changes, I feel as bad, I can't rest.
They said it's a good idea to exercise before but isn't it too late now?
It's April the first. My mother wrote to me that she isn't feeling so well, she had problems with my sister... She is looking for my comfort, but I can't give it to her because I know her, I know her blindness and her victim positions. Yet I still feel guilty if I don't give it to her, and I don't want to lie. So what next?
She puts me under so much pressure and I am not feeling well already.
I keep talking and writing about self-care but I don't know what my own self-care looks like. I know, I know I have to be patient, I know I will learn and I will keep moving forward, but it's hard with all this pain.
What is my self-care?
Today I smoked weed on my own, and drank a bit of aguardiente with coffee. I baked a small cake for me and cooked some pasta with soy. I also made two teas, had water from a wine glass and made golden milk. I took a nice shower, I watched some series, I worked a tiny bit on the project I have... I am not happy anyway.
What the fuck do I need to be happy?
I need to be everyone you like...
Now isn't that lame.
I want to be a strong, fucked up character from a British comedy. That's very lame, I know better... But here I am reading this in my head as I write it down, with my perfect uni learned British accent.
I wish being me was enough for you... I know it's not you. I correct myself:
I wish being me was enough for me, to love me.