D U N

Made myself as pretty as I could, all for you. Silly silly me again. Picked the cute underwear, ripped out some ugly hairs, showered and covered myself in coconut oil to shine under the light, silly silly me again. It all got odd, the date wasn't clear enough, time and place had lost themselves in the space between us and suddenly my heart felt heavy, my chest empty. I wasn't ready for this sharp silence, I am not ready to have those talks, not when there's such a universe between me and you.  I miss you.

 I love this man. As I watch you tell me stories, you move your face and hands almost in slow motion and the reflection of this warm light on your skin turns you into a painting I adore. Your infinite eyes show me the depths I could never reach, so I hide my adoration, for only in a different universe, where you and I were free from these heavy chains, could we make each other happy. Oh how I love this man. But only in another life, you and I, we could have found this love intact. And if ever we cover it in sage and gold, could you see me? Could I let go? I see us slow dancing in our kitchen, elsewhere, a warm home for us both, happiness. It feel so impossible and far. That's just not who you are. I loved this man and I am letting go. I don't regret having fallen for you despite how small I became, for I've traveled to my own depths, confronted not only demons but myself, I've learnt. So I thank you, for now I know that my love is only mine. I no longer love this man an...

En la madrugada sentí la lluvia, me trajo un sentimiento fulminante de calma y amor, me sentí en casa otra vez. Hoy amaneció soleado como nunca, un calor que no sentía hace ocho meses y las flores nuevas llenaban las calles. Extrañé tanto este amor, pero desperté triste, el vacío en mi pecho creció mientras dormía y al abrir los ojos caí. No quería salir, pero tuve. Pensé "si voy rápido y vuelvo nada malo puede pasar", me sentí tan débil, pero me convencí porque merezco tener frutas y verduras en mi casa. Merezco hacerme un pastel de choclo, merezco mi amor propio. En el supermercado al ponerme a la fila no ví a una señora, o eso dijo ella al menos. La pequeña Alemana con mascarilla en vez de decirme, decidió ponerse al frente mío con actitud de niña orgullosa, sin ni mirarme. "Disculpe" le dije. "Yo estaba ahí, tu no me viste." fue su respuesta, en tono cortante y aún sin mirarme. Un hervor subió por mi cuerpo, estuve atónita unos segundos, conteniendo la...

 I would be getting ready now as the sun shines. I would have had my healthy breakfast, done my little meditation and exercises, drank a liter of water already. I would have picked the long flowered dress, with boots and the black shirt you gave me. I would have taken a long shower, brushed my skin and done a scalp peeling. I would have carefully chosen my perfume, rubbed cream on and even put on a little make up and done my hair in some nice way. I would have flossed even though I only do it at night, and I would have smiled at the mirror, even though I can't stand my face, but at least you liked it. At least you loved me, and your face is the one I like too, it's you the one I love. Instead, I decided to sleep longer and it worked, though nightmares haunted me and my period pain arrived. I still meditated and did my little exercises, I still had my smoothie and drank a liter of water, I still take good care of myself because even without you, I need to prove to myself that I...

Finally I had a sex dream of you, after we're free from each other. You were sitting there, pants down and erect, I had no underwear and was about to sit on you when I noticed all the people watching us, they watched and watched, so I went to close the curtains. So many faces and eyes, it was a moment for us yet the whole world got involved.  The curtains were broken, I closed them and walked back as they opened again slowly. I did the trip twice before freezing in the middle until I thought: "Fuck it" went over to sit on you and woke up before sitting back down. I mourn the love we could have had. If I wasn't so blind and you weren't so deaf. If I had a brain and you had skin. What a curse to love so deeply, what a stab to see so clearly how it could have been if we weren't who we are. In this life, I believe, I've laughed as much as I've cried, so I fear being in complete balance, it may be my time soon. I'm soaking up the full moon's light. ...

April 17th - Homeless Little bites over my body, The inside of my lungs, My brain, my guts. A tiny monster gnawing, Parasite of a world,  Slow and steady.  Put a lid on, it overflows. There's no end to Exponential growth. How long till you change? Do we have to die first?  Despite it all, Another shitty job,  I'll be homeless again, soon.