D U N

 Suddenly I feel alone in the world again, it's so easy for others to have such power over me. I undressed myself too quickly and now I'm on display, people don't laugh or lust as they see me, I just feel shame for fooling myself again into believing this time it was true.  How could it be right, when the patterns are still repeating? 7 months to move in, fixing a problem, is this the wrong step? I felt the disappointment, the bigger person didn't come through, only a boundary I didn't dare to set before and felt like rejection. It felt petty, it felt passive aggressive, it felt like there was no love. No ritual was kept, radio silence, I kept my part on both ends, it's unfair. The unholy wish resurfaced, I don't think that would make you happy. This year's word was 'sosiego', yet I've had too many demons on my back. I thought this was it, once again. Yesterday I said that I trust my judgment and myself, but today I'm not sure anymore. My...

Made myself as pretty as I could, all for you. Silly silly me again. Picked the cute underwear, ripped out some ugly hairs, showered and covered myself in coconut oil to shine under the light, silly silly me again. It all got odd, the date wasn't clear enough, time and place had lost themselves in the space between us and suddenly my heart felt heavy, my chest empty. I wasn't ready for this sharp silence, I am not ready to have those talks, not when there's such a universe between me and you.  I miss you.