D U N

 Arbitrary, but most humans in the world have the same energy, can you feel it vibrating around us? It's all about change and new beginnings, even if to the universe and to our nature, it means nothing at all. That's how powerful we are, we can make magic if we focus our minds and hearts on a similar goal, but we are so divided.  I keep thinking of Gaza, the pains that underlie our days, though, for those living it daily, it's not underlying. How can we be letting this happen again, keep happening? How did it get to be so bad and how come there is no stopping the US, once more? Follow my routines, take care of my brain, body and heart, yet how can anyone truly live under such systems that can, and happily would, murder us for the power of someone who has more money or simply is on the side of evil. At times I wonder if we're actually living in some sort of epic fantasy novel, or dystopian sci-fi, only with a terrible ending; all those things we said to calm our children...

  Will I ever be free from this masking that's kept me in the shadows, frozen in fear and pain?  Will I ever feel like a human, or will I never experience the joy of belonging? I wanted to write, for today I almost threw up from emotions, a tension my heart couldn't handle, a talk that went well, yet felt impossible and too messy, how did I get here? Now I'm anxious and lonely, disconnected and wishing for dissociation, I'm stopping myself from that, instead, I'm trying to connect with myself. A broken self. I've been caught up making lists, so I am reaching out for creativity tonight. A candle, some tea:  Where have you gone? Darkness has taken your place and there's not much to hold on to, a novel sadness came to greet me at the airport, the usual relief simply observed from afar. I felt for days how this void of a heart I own, began to move erratically as the end approached; she was waving a painful greeting, reminding me that she would pay me a visit. He...

 I mean, it's nice, but triggering.  So many years waiting for you to come home, it feels like a lifetime away now, yet it's imprinted in me. You're the shadow that never materialized, the noises that scared me each night and the feelings that went crumbled into the trash. Sitting here in silence I feel peace, only it mixes with the memory of those green trousers and the washed out bears shirt, long, blond hair, giant green eyes. I was just a child.  Terrified. Hypersensitive and out of place.  I don't know if I was born alien or became through the rejection, I still wonder why you decided to have another child, I wonder why did he at all? _____ Sitting here in silence I feel all my feelings, it's such a deep experience, the mood swings, coming out of nowhere. I have no idea what's up until it overwhelms my heart, I could never have felt so clearly before this moment. I keep growing, learning and trying, yet somehow my house keeps breaking; I just want a home an...

I don't know if it's the planets, the circumstances of my current reality or the simple, usual issues of my childhood traumas. Still, here I am again, depressed, disconnected, without a clue of what to do and drowning in the confusion of my emotions and thoughts. Chaos. He writes to me and I don't know what to reply, the default comes up and I just want to trigger him to get a reaction, but that's not who I am, that's just my trauma response, so somehow I am left at a loss for anything. As if I was stranded in the desert, nothing but sand in sight, the sun perfectly up high, not even my shadow can be seen; my heart jumps into what she knows, longs for home, the abusive, neglecting and diminishing home we know, but thankfully my brain just keeps us still and asks: What do you feel? What do you want, not what you long for in pain, but if it was up to you entirely, if this was the perfect world for you; if you were exactly who you want to be, what would you like to rec...