I don't know if it's the planets, the circumstances of my current reality or the simple, usual issues of my childhood traumas. Still, here I am again, depressed, disconnected, without a clue of what to do and drowning in the confusion of my emotions and thoughts.
Chaos.
He writes to me and I don't know what to reply, the default comes up and I just want to trigger him to get a reaction, but that's not who I am, that's just my trauma response, so somehow I am left at a loss for anything. As if I was stranded in the desert, nothing but sand in sight, the sun perfectly up high, not even my shadow can be seen; my heart jumps into what she knows, longs for home, the abusive, neglecting and diminishing home we know, but thankfully my brain just keeps us still and asks:
What do you feel? What do you want, not what you long for in pain, but if it was up to you entirely, if this was the perfect world for you; if you were exactly who you want to be, what would you like to receive? - We can ask now, I know you're scared, hurt and lost, but if you tell me what it is that you need, I can try to make it come true. For I am here and I will not, ever, abandon you, my dearest child.
Even after such loving words and compassion, she hides behind walls of reactivity. So many emotions that aren't real, just a hurricane of them and I can't reach the eye of the storm. She's sitting there, alone, crying, longing for connection, for compassion, for love, how can I get to you? For I'm standing on the other side, arms wide open, in hopes you can trust me again, despite all the pain I have caused you with my cowardry and ignorance. I'm here now, I'm fully here now, for us, forever.
_____
Ah, trust... - He did turn into all those men, it wasn't as simple as it felt after that couple of talks. Much easier than in the past, yet I've been too hurt too much.
My loveliest girl, with her baggy green joggers and that white shirt with some washed-out print of some teddy bears, it reminds me of your "fuck the police" one. She's still tossing and turning, pushing and pulling, a full tantrum inside my heart, fully surrounded by such impenetrable walls, alone, wishing. Yes, we can ask now, but the fear has also eaten my tongue. Am I still abandoning you each time I don't say what I want, each time I stay too long or leave too soon?
Treasure of my heart, I want to be a team, I want joy and play and fun, for us both. I want fulfilment and to understand our needs so I can provide us with the healthy, beautiful, satisfactory life we deserve. I'm lost without you, would you take a deep breath and dare to hold my hand again?