D U N

 I mean, it's nice, but triggering.  So many years waiting for you to come home, it feels like a lifetime away now, yet it's imprinted in me. You're the shadow that never materialized, the noises that scared me each night and the feelings that went crumbled into the trash. Sitting here in silence I feel peace, only it mixes with the memory of those green trousers and the washed out bears shirt, long, blond hair, giant green eyes. I was just a child.  Terrified. Hypersensitive and out of place.  I don't know if I was born alien or became through the rejection, I still wonder why you decided to have another child, I wonder why did he at all? _____ Sitting here in silence I feel all my feelings, it's such a deep experience, the mood swings, coming out of nowhere. I have no idea what's up until it overwhelms my heart, I could never have felt so clearly before this moment. I keep growing, learning and trying, yet somehow my house keeps breaking; I just want a home an...

I don't know if it's the planets, the circumstances of my current reality or the simple, usual issues of my childhood traumas. Still, here I am again, depressed, disconnected, without a clue of what to do and drowning in the confusion of my emotions and thoughts. Chaos. He writes to me and I don't know what to reply, the default comes up and I just want to trigger him to get a reaction, but that's not who I am, that's just my trauma response, so somehow I am left at a loss for anything. As if I was stranded in the desert, nothing but sand in sight, the sun perfectly up high, not even my shadow can be seen; my heart jumps into what she knows, longs for home, the abusive, neglecting and diminishing home we know, but thankfully my brain just keeps us still and asks: What do you feel? What do you want, not what you long for in pain, but if it was up to you entirely, if this was the perfect world for you; if you were exactly who you want to be, what would you like to rec...