Will I ever be free from this masking that's kept me in the shadows, frozen in fear and pain?
Will I ever feel like a human, or will I never experience the joy of belonging?
I wanted to write, for today I almost threw up from emotions, a tension my heart couldn't handle, a talk that went well, yet felt impossible and too messy, how did I get here?
Now I'm anxious and lonely, disconnected and wishing for dissociation, I'm stopping myself from that, instead, I'm trying to connect with myself.
A broken self.
I've been caught up making lists, so I am reaching out for creativity tonight. A candle, some tea:
Where have you gone?
Darkness has taken your place and there's not much to hold on to, a novel sadness came to greet me at the airport, the usual relief simply observed from afar.
I felt for days how this void of a heart I own, began to move erratically as the end approached; she was waving a painful greeting, reminding me that she would pay me a visit. Here she is and I have fallen entirely once again, and of course, I've bled onto you as well.
I have a class to prepare, but I want to sing, yet I write instead. Fear keeps me from the class, tension from the second and the third is only happening in disconnection from the self. No creation is combusting, just bumpy words.
It's only with practice that this may come back to me.
Remember all the poetry you wrote each morning? All until the snobby kid said it had no rhythm. Why do you believe those who only see art through the lens of academia? Just like with politics and Germans, why would you have ever trusted them when they love to hate?
Just like those intrusive thoughts and wrong logic, this brain formulates, it's not true. It only reinforces those horrors of the past, but this is something new.
Even if you fear and distrust. This is something new.
Take another deep breath, think of your class, then sing a little and try again tomorrow corazón.