Today I feel like writing, all thanks to kind hearts who tell me they read this little space in my mind, and the internet.
I am so extremely tired, and anxious.
As a cleaning person, it's really hard to make people see you and treat you as a human, most of them are condescending and talk to you as if you were stupid. On Wednesdays I go to the house of a couple, she is a doctor, and he is looking for a job while his old one is not over yet, though I don't know what he does, I do know they are constantly buying new and super expensive clothes, furniture and decoration, and they travel a lot, not too far though.
And here is what pisses me off the most in this case: This is the only people who are not happy with paying me 15 euros per hour! I went there just twice and then she said: "I can't afford to pay you that amount of money." Sure, because 45 euros every other week is just too much for your pocket, Ms. Doctor...
Now here is the thing, no matter how small, big, nearby or far away the house is, it is still a really tiring, destructive job. I have to face a lot of chemicals, I have to touch all their dirt, I have to kneel down and stand up, I arch my back to clean their floors, and they still don't see this.
I feel like screaming at their faces: YOUR HOUSE IS FUCKING CLEAN! THEN WHY DON'T I DESERVE THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY THAT YOU DO!
Because you studied for some years? Because your ego is too big? Because you had the opportunity to do something I couldn't? Because you are a fucking capitalist, elitist, privileged pig. That is why!
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I am just putting shit out that I don't tell people in real life, or not much at least. And I am catching up with life since I haven't written in quite some months.
I am angry at this world.
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Now I am anxious because of the jealousy.
Tomorrow Mo and I are going to the south to visit his family, but also we are meeting "the friend", they haven't talked in a year and a half, and we will only meet her because I started talking to her, I told her exactly everything that is going on and I clearly stated that I wouldn't apologize for his decision not to talk to her anymore, though I was the main reason he did. It worked out well, but I am extremely scared of meeting her and feeling as left out, unimportant and not part of that magical bond they had, again.
But here is the most difficult part:
How to deal with Mo not being fully himself, while wanting him to fully be free and himself, while not being able to have a non-monogamous relationship? How to deal with the jealousy knowing he wants to have sex with each and every one of his friends?
What if we are just not a good match, and we keep trying so hard, but we will not make it at all?
I am scared of that because Germany has been so difficult, and so lonely. I know I will be just fine if things were done, but also, I will be even more alone, sadly, he is a big cushion I can hug in this loneliness.
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And now to the important part of this vomit:
I cleaned my laptop's keyboard with old chewing gum and now the scrolling doesn't work.