It was a Sunday, the second of June, the days were finally starting to get the feeling of summer after such a long and grey Berlin winter.
We had gone to one more of those complicated family visits and I had dealt with my so-called "greatest fear", we met her, face to face, and it was the most awful situation I have been through in years. I felt weak and triggered for days after, but we survived, despite the fact that you already were showing signs of giving up. I didn't want to see them, so I didn't.
We talked about the end a few times before, we knew things were not working out, but I also knew, and know, that I can endure through insane amounts of pain without breaking, but you know better how to take care of yourself.
And just as it has happened before, after a situation with the greatest fear, there was no more strength in you, no more love for me.
I was so scared of going through the same again and I did, I am exactly where I was back then, with the tall glasses:
Not being able to set and respect my boundaries, and feeling them making decisions for both of us while I don't stick to mine. And that is exactly my problem.
I did change something, I took the situation in my hands and tried to solve it, but sometimes even when we do something different, it is actually the same. I still don't know what I should've done, maybe having realized what I will explain in a bit.
Sometimes I don't fully listen to myself, no matter how hard I try, there are things that I just can't grab. I feared this would happen, and especially now that my biggest help is gone, and instead of asking her for tips to survive this time without her, I was distracted with the situation with my mother. I should've focused on my emotions from the beginning, not what was happening around me, but inside me.
Oh, how I wish I had said something to her, but how I wish, even more, you and I could be together, we could be happy, how I wish you hadn't given up on us, or I had realized this whole inner mess before, and that we could have all our beautiful times forever, without the bad parts.
How I wish I could fully internalize that this is not my fault, that yes, I am flawed, but you stopped accepting it, and it is not working, not because I am unloveable, broken, or sick, but because we don't match anymore: You can't give me what I need, and I can't give it to you either.
It makes me infinitely envious to think that someone else will be able to give that to you because I couldn't, it makes me infinitely sad to think of all the plans we will never complete together, including living in a van in New Zealand, and travel around, all the hiking trips, swimming naked in the lake, the trip to Spain by train-hopping, all the trips to the beach that I wanted and never happened, being healthy and having the relationship we really wanted to have, cumming together, at the same time...
And it makes me infinitely anxious to think about dealing with all I have to, the new flat, the new job, the new flatmates, the pain of these changes, the pain of not having you close, the misery of not having my closest friend around anymore, and all the support I won't get, not because you gave me so much, but because I am unable to let that come from other friends, besides the fact that you actually are my oldest friend in Berlin.
So, of course, I feel left alone, of course, I feel lonely and abandoned, of course, it is impossible to feel like creating boundaries for our current situation of living together will be good.
I am scared of going through the real break up because so far, we broke up but we are still together, and then again, why is this a bad thing?
To go through the break up with you, mourn together, keep on kissing, keep on spending time together, eating, hugging, saying goodnight and hello, talking about the things we won't get to do or have...
I mean, this may be a good thing, right?
What if this is actually the best way for me to break up? To have you this close until we actually become friends. But then, what if all this love you are giving me because we have a certain distance, dissipates suddenly and you'll stop giving it to me and I will be devastated for the tenth time?
Then, of course, creating boundaries to just go through the pain once and for all, and to protect myself from letting you, once again, do whatever you want with me, from feeling frustrated and angry because you only give me what I need when you want to give it to me and then take it away, and from feeling deceived, seems to be the right answer.
It doesn't mean what you do is wrong, you understand your boundaries, you know and respect your limits, which is an amazing thing to know, and it is something I need to learn in order to take care of myself better. Love hides my void, but the more love I get, the bigger the void becomes because my physical body is screaming at me to take care of my mind, my emotionality. The void can't ever be filled by anyone external, the void was created as a child who feels guilty for existing and a burden to everyone who is by their side, so this child is constantly looking for reminders of love from the people around them, and the more it gets, the more it needs.
I know the only solution for me is to fill the void with my own love, respect, and self-worth. I have to take care of this child to be myself again because I have lost me in the void, I have lost me in relationships that weren't fulfilling, in friends that keep me busy, in plans and dreams and hopes that I never find the courage to do because I am too scared, too empty, too weak, to move through with any of it.
I wish to tell you that I want to go through this journey together, that we can both take care of our own selves, for real this time, and be together too. That now I know what I need to do, and that I will stop making our relationship the excuse for not moving forward. I have gained a huge clarity, without even having really broken up.
Would you give us another chance? If I put up my boundaries, if I take care of my void, if I deal with myself and if we can have mostly the great times again.
Would it be possible for me to do this now that I see it so clearly, to stay with you, and work on this at the same time? Will I stay on the right track?
I wish she was here to help me see if this hope is only false, temporary hope, or if it is actually possible.
The problem with the control issues is questioning everything and the problem with questioning everything is that nothing is certain, and then I feel anxious and unable to make a decision.
But I need to remember that much of life is uncontrollable, I can only be there for myself when things get out of hand, only I can make myself happy, and externals are there for love, support and reminders of worth when I am in doubt, but I have to first, feel my own worth, know that I am innately worthy. My worth is unmeasurable, not the skills, knowledge or experiences I possess are my worth, nor the issues, mistakes or regrets make me less worthy. I am worthy because of the mere fact of being a living being in this universe of wonderful living things, just like the smallest of insects and the biggest tallest trees. I am not more worthy than a rapist, I am not less worthy than a child, I am as worthy as them and everyone between.
It is a really hard thing to see because we judge, of course, a rapist is a bad person, and I would never defend that, but it is a worthy living being in its essence, no matter the decisions or issues that it has, because they are alive, and part of this constellation. And so I am.
I am not able to let go of my judgment, and I don't want to, because it keeps me alive in danger or stress, but I have to accept my entire self, accept my issues and the things that I don't like so much about me, to see that my worth is not measured on a scale, it is just there, innate to anything, no matter the mistakes I have made, no matter the things I don't know, no matter the things I can't do.
I am worthy, right here, right now. It will not start tomorrow, it will not start when I have dealt with my jealousy (as stupid as that seems now after understanding this), it will not start with a new job, a different house, a different partner or different friends, it will not start with finding my passions, and following them, nor with a new diet or more exercise, not with a new better body, mind or nose. It is already in me, I am worthy because I am, nothing else.