I don't know what to write about, but I have this feeling. I woke up at 6:30am because of a truck that stood in front of the building for far too long, and by the time Mo closed the window, it was already gone. I was cold, but now I am warm, my feet feel weird and I made too much food.
See I thought it was going to be hungry after the shower and the laundry and this feeling, this bloody feeling... It goes a bit like this:
The noise woke me up, the first lights of the morning were right behind the curtain and it was cold, as winter. It reminded me when, as a child, I would wake up early every day to go to school, and how much I hated it, but it came with such good things because I honestly really enjoyed going to school, at least since I was 14 or so. It was a pretty hippie school and most of my classmates had been raised in this empathetic, loving, open environment, so it was really easy to adapt to it, and since they didn't get many new students, I was kind of popular in my own low-key-weirdo type of vibe, and I loved it. I felt completely free to be myself, which now I see as a huge privilege because that is not how life itself is, and that is not how high school is for most people. But we were lucky.
So, the feeling: It comes with this anxious feeling, but very mild and almost nice, like excitement. Like being anxious about a social situation that you're really looking forward to it. As a child, this was my push to do things, I would feel this feeling and I would just ask myself: "Ok Dunyo, what is it that you want to do? What is this body sensation trying to tell you?" and as I said a bunch of things I thought I may want, the feeling would either get stronger or weaker, the stronger it got, the closer I was to find out what was that ideal thing.
But the feeling also comes with a certain loneliness, some calm sadness, low-key emptiness. It feels a lot like lo-fi, just go over to youtube and type in "lofi", play any that says lonely, midnight or sad, if it brings you a feeling that is hard to describe, then that is exactly it.
Restlessness.
So now, what I wonder is if this feeling actually just made me feel bad as a child like I couldn't understand, nor handle it, and so I created the coping mechanism of asking myself what I wanted to do and therefore, the nervous excitement I have was just created over something that is pure sadness, restlessness, and loneliness.
It makes me think of home, of my mother, of my childhood, the good and the bad parts, it makes me sad, restless, but comfortable. It is as complex as the feeling that drove me to draw myself in caves and holes, with the blankets and pillows and fires, maybe it is even the same one... I am actually pretty sure it is the same one, just adding a bit of this instead of that.
Comfortable.
Is this feeling comfortable because it is familiar? Just like a toxic person who you feel really into because they seem familiar, only you don't realize either the toxicity nor the reasons why it is familiar, not even that it is familiar at all! Until overtime, things start getting difficult, and if you are aware enough of your traumas, you start recognizing what it is. Those character traits that, that someone in your childhood had and now feel comfortable, no matter how toxic it really is.
This is something I wonder a lot about. In spite of how aware I am of this, and how I can see all the resembles between my partner and my mother, I still decide to be with them*. And now is the question: Is it healthy though?
I know my partner is a completely different person than my mother is, even if they have similar traits, reactions or patterns. I also know my partner is working on their issues, as I work on mine, and something I am completely certain of is that we love each other so fucking much. We love each other in this way that went from magical idealism to realistic committed love, and though we may still be in this transition, it feels like we are going the right way.
We are going back to being individuals who enjoy the other one's company and support them, as we take care of our own selves, our needs, and desires and strive to become a complete person, instead of covering our own despair with the excitement of a relationship or the company of someone else.