And just like an old feeling, I know what to do. It's even shittier than last time because I've been here before, I have given all the information away as easily in the idiotic wish for a decent life, while all my senses are alert and telling me not to, but just like with my mother I keep hoping that this time I won't be disappointed, it always ends badly because I am betrayed by them and by me.
I have betrayed, once more, all my senses and warning signs. I have betrayed myself, over and over again.
-
This week has been tough, I keep being reminded that nothing is really for free, everything comes with a price even if I don't want to believe that.
I am wishing for some silence, some getting away, just me, tea and a book, maybe the cards, a notebook and a pen. I wish for silence because everything here is so loud, the church, the phone calls, the internet, the Freudian knowledge of my romantic patterns, the break up I'm avoiding, the things I'm seeing in him that he has too; my mind.
My mind is so damn loud, constantly screaming at me, work on your novel, take pictures, you're never gonna get anywhere, you're not enough, the system is against you (I didn't say my mind lies, sometimes it does, others it's very truthful), you can't get out of it, you can't have all you wish for, what are you even wishing for? You're so damn stupid you don't even know what you want! You wasted most of your life in the fear of your mother, she forced you to waste most of your life to her with her issues, her depression, her overidentification on you, and now, now that you finally can live, you are wasting your life anyway.
And how could I not waste it if that's the only thing I learnt? How can I do anything differently when my damn past is so strangely fucked up? If I never learnt how to communicate, if I'm so scared of my loved ones' reactions to my boundaries? If they were never respected anyway, I was never respected or seen as an individual at all.
Sure I'm just learning what I believe in, what upsets me and what I love because all that I know to be is a senseless being ready to comply with others' desires. I can't even stop sex so I let myself be fucked, literally, over and over again, and my body... My body does too.
I'm so conditioned, shaped into, taught, and right now I can't see anything good in this body, nor this mind. I'm bloated and you all only love me for my beauty (mind says), I feel so disgusting in every single possible sense. I hate myself today, I've hated myself for weeks by now, this whole shit slowly crept on me and now I am damn trapped in its web of self-destruction. I don't even know what to do while, to make it worse, the lack of roots is also coming out to play.
"Being a migrant", the loneliness, doubting everyone's love for me because how can anyone love this disgusting thing I am?
I wish my sister was here, my nieces; I wish I could go with them to the beach when it's a bit too cold for people to go out and we could hide in their half-tent, having tea and looking at the ocean while laughing at stupid things, making funny faces... I wish it was a bit easier, but all easier times feel temporary and it goes away too fast.
Sometimes I don't feel the pain at all, around people mostly. They ask me about them, my cherished family, those three noses that I have stolen so many times, and I can't feel what I really do: It hurts like hell to be so far, to have no clue when I even will, to know we'll never be close again. We will never be close again.
To trash all the wishes of going over to have tea after work when I feel like it, to go pick them up from school sometimes, for them to meet my loved ones here and have a fun time, to have spontaneous trips to the beach, to the forest, to the lake, singing in the car "a todo pulmón", all the songs from that CD she has in her car. To trash the wish to see them both growing when I've lost so much already, M is 14 now, I don't believe it, and she has turned into a wonderful human despite the pain she's lived. To think that I met them both the moment they were born, to think that I have more memories with them than they remember, to think about this unimaginably immense love I feel for them.
It hurts.
It all hurts.
And I feel disgusting, and I feel lonely, and I feel stupid, and I need a break, would you take me far away?
