We are lying silently next to each other again, I'm dazed at how disconnected I can be sometimes. I felt jealous when you told me about her because last time we were so high, yet we didn't go through, so I got surprised as you held me tightly since in this chaos of my heart I fear you will stop liking my body and will only go for others, while I crave you deeply, in silence and defeat.
In these horrors, I took a while to reconnect but after, I found peace in the stillness of another song.
I was brave though, telling you later about us, yet the fears didn't take long to take over. Soon enough infinite doubts and questions were running through my mind, pulling my hair, grabbing my limbs, tapping my shoulders. I couldn't focus anymore, absorbed in the anxiety of misunderstanding dissatisfaction, because, I do believe all I said, I meant it all as well, but my expectations got in the way again, wishing for your agreeing reply in any form, but our bodies were already intertwined and my brain was all over the place, so what did I expect when I mentioned golden nibs between fields of dirt and blood?
I understand this my problem, I should open up and let go, but I'm scared, not only of losing you but of the journey to an end. One that begins with my fear of being too much and not enough at once. If I present my complete naked self to you, I become even more vulnerable than I already am, and if you don't respond as I hope, this home we are building might begin to end.
I felt your impatience and annoyance for the first time, it was strangely tough, I'm not used to that, to you in that way. But it's ok to be as much of you as you need, I want to be a meadow for your freedom to bloom, shed leaves, die and be reborn, in the cycles of seasons through the oceans of life.
I just fear, lovely creature, something would be gone and we don't have enough to replace it. So we would slowly drift away and dissolve into oblivion like so many others, while you aren't like so many others in this strange heart I bear inside this ever-moving cage of fibres and bones.
Maybe though, I'm seeing this all wrong. Maybe it would begin to change, not end, and as we agree that all structure that is too rigid is meant to crumble, we might simply transmute into an even deeper river, flowing furiously through our insignificant existence, cleansing that which is important in our infinite unimportance.
My fear stays though, reluctance. What if the metamorphosis we'd undergo isn't what I wish, and my heart ends up broken once again while my old wounds tear open to Roxanna's words, the curse I'm under?
I'm full of fears that I'm only beginning to understand as I hold back from showing my raw guts because, as the book says, I'm being heroic in the confusion of trying to embrace my finitude, what a mess.
I guess the fairytale is over, though the moon is always with us, so still if I feel this strongly about you, you might also feel this way for me. I'm just not used to your unusual ways, lovely oddball, you've explained some for me, yet I have no reference to be reminded when I need it, instead, we talk about others and I wonder if I'm holding back because again, I'm full of fears, which I challenge but I might just not be confident enough to do it on my own.
So I have to be braver and ask. You initiated this, you initiate it each time, and I'm sorry I haven't taken more with my bare hands, I'm sorry I've given so much responsibility for you to handle even if you haven't felt it as such. I'm trying to find my courage, fight the baggage from past rejections and dare. I just also need your help to stop fearing that whenever I'm too inconvenient, you'll close your heart, give up and leave. But how could you know that I need your help if I don't ask?
And so we loop into the fear again, why can't I just speak, yell, ask? There's so much I want to try with you, so much I want to do. I want to dance with you, I want to trip with you, I want to shower and travel, meet and see, I want to fight you and go to places we can't go. We met before the disease, yet not enough to have done more. I want to live what the future holds with you, and it begins with me opening my raw bits and daring to hold your hand.