At 3:27am I looked at the third floor of my building while my chest tightened, is it really over? As I closed your door, the first piece of my heart fell, soon the second and third too, unlocking my bike and walking away. I stopped to look at your warm window, like a lighthouse I can never turn back to again.
Cycling, dew on my face, cold down my spine, I remembered all the adventures in the sun and when cloudy too. Christmas for a week in my house, food and Ableton, cuddles and sex.
Such intense, vulnerable, sensual sex. Nobody ever touched me like you did, nobody has such soft skin, nobody either such hands... Those hands of yours made me wet without trying, your arms, as you pulled them behind your head, are better than any, and your belly... what a treat it is just to be near you. I can't separate my heart from my skin, the intimacy we share, the freedom you've given me, the uninhibited ways you've shown me, I will never have again, so the orgasms I never even thought I could live.
How I wish I could touch you right now, as I'm heartbroken and wet for your memory, I imagine being in your bed, naked as our bodies intertwine, the light is on because we fell asleep again, your arms all around me and our bare legs softly caressing each other. I press my ass toward you and you know exactly why already, so in little movements and indirect touches, your cock grows against me, so I grab it as I turn to find your mouth, your lips, your tongue with mine, all over the room... I wish I was touching you right now. But I'm in my room, alone and lonely.
I looked out the window once more trying to catch the dream of having you here, texting me that you've arrived, waiting for me to come out and cycle to the lake, loving me as you did in the summer; as I still do right now. I made myself a tea and I left the sweater on because it was the only thing that still smelled like you, I wrapped myself in blankets and the hot water bottle, wishing I was with you: It wasn't, nothing and no one will ever be you, my amazing cuddly monkey, who's no longer mine.
I love you, for no one has shown me such companionship, no one has satisfied such depths in my soul. We met by chance, but it wasn't at all. You are almost perfect, as you've said to me before, yet yours is about your health while mine is who I am.
There's no one else I'd like to live in the countryside with, not even just myself. I told her today about our dream as I shared my fears and doubts, when I mentioned missing home. The image of us living in Chile came to my head, as my guts tightened, but in an excited, happy and nervous way. I think it was my intuition, the same that led me earlier to turn my goal of passing the C1 exam, into you coming to celebrate with me, but both of us feeling happy, having grown and matured more, it was all the goods without any of the bads.
It's been two hours since I left and I miss you like never before. Imagining you waking up and finding out I'm gone, breaks my heart, but I couldn't stay. Another night up, yet uncomfortable and cold, because instead of your godlike warmth, I had my jacket on the couch as my mind filled up with images of your not-prude ex, while you had makeup sex, with flashes of your birthday when I wished I hadn't existed again. It hurts, it hurts so much, because you were the only one that never made me feel less important than others, I never dreamt about you not caring, you are the only one that cares in the way that fulfils my deepest needs: the will to do, the energy and enthusiasm, the banter, the constant companionship, vulnerability, freedom and intimacy, the uninhibited love we share is something I always longed for, sadly now that I have it, I can't keep it because it hurts you too much, and that is the opposite of what I wish for you.
I want you to be happy, that's my main wish. If that means it's not with me, then I will deal with the pain until I heal, as long as I get to know that your soul is joyous and full.
I will continue to dream of our home, the music, the food, the banter, the company. I can see us dancing to disco any night as we grow old, excited still to whatever there is to come because there ain't no stopping us now, we are hella strong and wise as well. I see us cooking, banters and wine, ciders, cycles and sex. Jesus, the sex. I wish you were grabbing me right now, with your skinny fingers, pulling me closer to your body as I move my hips the way you like it, take off my shirt and look at me with unbelievable desire, use my body and talk to me as I do you. Kiss my neck, my chest, my breast but let me touch you too, let me kiss you, lick you, suck you, until you have to pound me as hard as you can, while I drip down your legs and mine. A feast, ending in the most satisfying orgasm each time, an unusual dessert for me, though common for you, put yourself all over my tits as I wrap them around your cock, only to laugh after, and kiss, and hug. Clean ourselves and cuddle for hours on end.
Because it isn't just the sex. How I wish you were here, with your monkey arms wrapped around me, your warmth, your love. Louis, it is your love, it has always been your love, that which makes me stay no matter what, that makes me keep my hopes up and push you to grow, it's the inexplicable things that matter so much, all that you are and no one else is. It's the closeness, the liberation, the spontaneity, the wish to be together, the attention, the appreciation, the surprises, the dedication, the physical, the laughter, the energy, the journeys, the ideas, the adventures, the wishes, the joint dreams and goals, the back-to-backs, the Ableton mixes, the infinite birthday presents, the company, such real company. It's being a hundred percent in a world of 60's. It's you and your love what I love the most.
But no matter what, I just want you to know that no one will ever have the place you have in my soul and my skin, I wish your musical goals come true and find happiness and a love that is as enough for you as yours is for me right now. I wish you had seen it as clearly as me, monito precioso de mi corazón, te quiero feliz y te quiero, te quiero tanto que hasta diría que te amo, pero te amo tanto que me quedo sin palabras. Como deseo que esos sueños juntos fueran realidad.
Quién más me tomaría una foto como esta? Solamente tú me amas así y no quiero dejarte ir, pero tengo que soltarte, porque mereces más que lo que yo te puedo dar.
Te amo Louis, como nunca he amado antes, gracias por todo lo que me has entregado, espero que encuentres felicidad y amor como lo mereces, mucho más que lo que yo soy; perdóname por no ser suficiente, lo siento mi amor.