About yesterday (6.07.23)

She makes me not want to train anymore. I don't want to be a version of what she is. I don't want to be here at all.

My reason was to be strong, feel safer outside, dare more to say no. But now it's all tainted with her, the choreographer & performer, but worst, it's your hidden worlds.

These doubts bury my heart that once believed all you said. Your being and your love were pure. Such integrity your strong hands held, now they turn to sand when you touch me, your words trigger the voices in me that kept me safe in the past and I get flustered, but that's not enough for me to lie to you. Which says more about me than you.

I have lied to you too, hidden information, not made stories up though. Partly, I also want to be one of the glitter fairies this city seems to be full of, big cleavages and tits, muscular legs and abs, thin arms and perfect little noses. So sweet and hot.

But I am not and never will, for I'm too heavy and soft. The ocean inside me storms and though it has brought upon unimaginable wisdom, I've been told to be lighter for my own wellbeing - which is true.

How can I be lighter like those, not dwell in the emotions for days long and sink into myself, but keep sailing through the raging waters until I'm once again floating under the sun, watching the clouds in peace?

You said you want that too, I cried for I don't believe I'll ever be. I cried for I may not be the one for you, once again because of my heaviness. I longed for our life together at home after those three days of fun and love; now it's the lonely forest cabin, trees and plants, fire and peace, my waters to swim. All of it comes back to remind me that I may never truly belong.

It's 7:46 and the workers came to drop things on the floor, smash doors and blast the radio they scream over. I'm tired.

I wanted to have that class, I wanted to be ready by making you my guinea pig, hoping you'd enjoy it and maybe get more and more into the benefits without thinking it's bullshit, cause it is part of my world too. I wished it would make me more vulnerable in front of you, so we'd find new depths within our shared psychosis. Now all I think of it's how hot she may look sweating on her shorts, kicking, breathing heavily and her strength holding the pads you kick into, sharing looks of desire, and later in your bed and hers too.

Deja vu... I thought this was it, I thought it was you. Now I see darkness, this moment, the kitchen light, the pain of separation. What is there to come?

If we live so close by, what is there left to do once the storm comes?

Is this my doom, my curse? Misunderstood and writing, attempting to explain all that not even I can grasp and translate.

Good night, good night again, my love.

Haunting

 

You were a ghost today, haunting me through the streets. I've been in your neighborhood a lot these days, but you'd been on my mind for a longer while. I'm not sure if it's been the rainy days, the weed or the longing for home. At times I feel like I'm not enough to make a home on my own, and I miss your mother's scones and how daring you were to show me the extent of your desire for me.

So much orange today along the Panke, while I tried hard to remember all the faulty bits, for my soul keeps yearning for yours, your immensely straightforward, direct love and your gentle but strong touch that went through my skin into depths of connection I never had. 
What does it mean that the last time you brought me to new heights? What does it mean if home feels like you?

Probably trauma, but the brain knits narratives looking for meaning, hope. So dumb how one day nothing matters and everything does the next.

Why do I feel guilty still? I know it was bad, but I tried my best under the circumstances and I've never been the only one to blame. Maybe it's about the need to forgive myself for not having been up to my own values, or maybe it's just the changing weather. These storms that make my void crack open and bring death to my mind, while wishing for a warm, comfortable embrace, just lying there enjoying the company, nowhere to go, nothing to do, but connected.

She said you're alright and I shouldn't worry, that calms my heart. I hope you're happier and fulfilled, I even hope someone new came along. I hope you have found a home.

I've been thinking so much about my life, yesterday I had whole hallucinations about how you're my mother and he is my dad. So hard to understand, so much hiding, so contrived; yet the other option is insane, high stress, and ultimately suicide.

I want reliance and depth in love, respect and freedom, but it has transformed its meaning, for it's now also freedom in the expression of one's emotions, desires and truth. I want to feel that through touch, through starring into each other's eyes, through words and laughter.
My life feels empty, not due to your absence, but also, sometimes. My soul is yearning for home, but home was always unsafe, so now I'm in a really strange place.

I don't know what I want from my life, still. I'm lost, still. It's been proven time and time again that what my mind yearns for, isn't how my heart and body will live and feel it. So I am maybe even more lost than I used to.

I really, really hope you're ok.

 my Lou.