I very much dislike that most of my memories are linked to men who were in my life and treated me poorly. I hate that things I love and have become so deeply linked to my personality, originally came from them, men who disrespected me and made me feel not only unloved but unloveable, and annoying, and too much, and not enough, the list goes on.
Honestly, to a certain extent, I am all those things, except unloveable. But none of them are intrinsically bad, these men just wanted someone who wasn't me. They loved the idea of me, the quirky silly nerdy girl, who was cute, kind of quiet, kind of smart and had a wilder side which was only for them to see.
Only, I am not a stereotype of the quirky girl. I am passionate and deep, I am incredibly sensitive and love to share it, I am anxious, hence controlling, I love cleanliness and comfort, I'm obsessed with the idea of creating a home, I love physical touch and being together with my partner, I am jealous and insecure, I have a hard time with social queues and I'm smart even if not in the ways society deems as relevant and more in the ways that it deems dangerous. I hold so much wisdom within and I'm going to share it with you because I love you and I want to help you, and I will be hurt when you dismiss and not even try my suggestions out! I will be hurt when you turn your appreciation away from me to admire an empty idea of a woman, not only because I'll feel betrayed, but because that'll remind me that no matter how incredible I am, society will always win when it comes to how brainwashed you've been to prefer big tits and glowing skin.
But mostly, I am not a girl. I tried to be for too long, I masked so hard, after 10 years I am still figuring out who I am, never quite rejected, but never quite belonged.
This year I found belonging, I found home. It's such a deeply beautiful and nurturing place. Acceptance, support, honesty, love. To be fully, to thrive finding myself and to be cherished for it! I found joy this years, peace. And most of that was my own doing, I am so proud.
It started years ago, the search for my own soul. I looked for and found help, showed up each day to untangle my mess, and alone I felt my pain, held it tightly, talked to my demons, we shared a tea on the couch as often as it was needed for them to feel safe. They don't burst in anymore, no need to fix doors and windows, they knock and wait until I come, I don't take long. Once we could talk, I learnt so much from them about myself, and so, after enough inquiry (though it's a process which keeps happening), began the quest for change.
I figured out a big part of self-love is discipline, so I researched about self-care, habits, routines, witchcraft, boundaries, psychology, neuroscience, nutrition, yoga, somatic practices, hormonal health... the list goes on. And implemented what I learnt:
I created routines to support me daily, I added the ones to support me monthly through the hormonal changes. Created a list of dietary changes to give me energy and pleasure as well. I created and held boundaries, changed and ended relationships, I nurtured my heart and my body, took on meditation and times of silence, began to move daily, reconnected with nature and now I've taken on writing again.
The main thing is, through these changes, I was presented with plenty of options that I wouldn't have taken before because I was scared. But after I learned I am incredibly worthy and most importantly, that I can fully trust myself, I took the chances!
Now I have a home near nature, I have regained my mother and Matilda, I have a home within myself too, I have relationships that nurture and bring joy, that want to grow and change with me, that remind me each day, I'm loved and worthy of all the work, especially when I doubt myself, when I feel too much and not enough, and unworthy, and annoying, and impossible to deal with, and unloveable... They remind me, with care, actions, words, touch, with love. That I am not only worthy, but that I am massively loved.
I have found belonging.
Even if I miss some things from the past, even if I cry watching little monkey videos, even if I mention you on a daily basis, even if I wish your silliness was present, our passion and intensity, our fun, our dancing, our adventures, our depth.
Even if I miss you almost every day; the safety, peace, space and respect I live in now, have given me that which I longed, not craved.
To find a safe home in myself, a place where I completely belong.
I just wish that you also find your worth and your home. We shared such a deep loneliness in our hearts, not much felt right and we tried to fill the void with strong emotions, rollercoaster rides, crushes, love and fights and sex and drugs. We both deserved and still deserve better than that.
That's why I wish for you to find your heart and do whatever it takes to listen, heal and protect it, practice real self-love, the discipline. Learn who you are underneath all the pain, the person I saw in you from the first time we met. Hang out with your demons and hug your pain. Let go of resistance and slowly, naturally, come out to float.
No matter how big, deep, dark and scary the ocean may be, as long as you hold your heart, you will always come afloat and if you keep going, you will find the shore and you can create your perfect home.
And please remember, if you wish, that you'll receive chances through this process, take them, even if you're scared, to prove to yourself that you are worthy and loved. You deserve good and greatness, you are incredibly talented, your mind is so special and you can make magic easily if you put your heart and mind on the same path.
To your well-deserved home, monkey.