Motherly

 Where are you? How's it going? 

It's hard to have given so much emotional support for you to be out of my life so abruptly.

Like a mother missing a child, that's really not a good sign. 

How could you compare a 15 second back rub and two standing hugs, with all the emotional and physically emotional support I've given you? It's breadcrumbs I got from you. You say it's all you could give, I understand it and accept it, but I need more than someone who would not reassure me after I tell him my fears, more than someone who would close his door while I'm crying as I leave.

I deserve someone who would think: "she works the whole day standing, maybe a long standing hug while I put part of my weight on her isn't the best", or "I do muay thai, I'm used to being hit and hit others, my hands are heavy and strong, I will be careful with her".

But instead I'd say something hurts and you wouldn't change a thing, only say you're not doing it strongly. I'll never forget the countless times you pressed your thumbs into the nerves on the soft sides of my wrists while "playing". Maybe already then you resented me and that's why you hurt me so much in disguises while saying it's not too strong.

It's hard to look back at these moment and recognize I let myself be mistreated again. 

In your kind eyes, I found my own pain.

The flowers died on Monday.

 "I will always be there for you" - his voice rang in my ears and he closed the door while I left, crying. Crying my heart out I left his house and he just said -"bye". The promise of eternal safety was already broken from the moment he pronounced those words, and now, at the edge of this bridge, I'm thinking life isn't worth it at all. It's just pain over injustice over heartbreak over loneliness over more pain. Goodness isn't there if you're honest. You must learn to bullshit them around and be a pretty petite girl or a petty snake.

Once again this year, despite the one resolution, I wished to be dead again. At least this should be the last time I ever wish for it.

Pieces of thoughts, pt.1

 If you had asked me to stay, I would have gladly stayed, in your arms if I could. Now if that would have been a good idea or not, I'd say probably not, but who cares, it's just life anyway. 

You cry with me, you fall asleep with me, but I don't know what you feel. 

What are you thinking? I wish to know your darkest thoughts, but you want them unknown and that is part of the part that has us apart.

As I freeze in the night walk to the station, I think of how love can be so silly, so consumingly dumb. Despite its purest intentions, its raw honesty and vulnerability, it can turn us blind and stupid. How can something so beautiful become the death of someone like me. A death within life, one of many, that we walk through as we go.

I found a note in my pocket, I wrote it a couple of days ago at the shop after a few couples of weirdos I saw:

"I see strange people and turns out they're couples, and I think of you and I. We are odd too, unlike them, not too cool, not too uncool either, we are our own unique sort of odd. How can it be so obvious, how can it feel so obvious, but not work out? I miss you, but I idealize you too and often I wonder if this is a mistake"

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If you had asked me to stay, I would have stayed, we would have talked again, we would have decided to give a chance to that list we made, try it ouy. Maybe then, the scene of odd people and their lost odd partners suddenly found, would make sense for us too.