More rounds.

That's my deal: I buy a new phone, hope to have all my notes organised and take those ideas into a masterpiece. Then life hits me hard, notes go to hell and as I try to organise them, life keeps getting worse and worse, notes grow crazier, deeper, even more chaotic.

I am still trying to tidy up my notes, my heart, my head, but the more I try, the harder it gets.
I barely understand what I feel, even less what I need. I learn more and more about the chaos and mistreatment I received as a child, all hidden behind a beautiful curtain with a pattern of red flowers, behind that fake kind smile and the so called protection of the maternal instinct, and the premonitions of a "witch" feminine power.

Give me some space in this head, in this society, in this noises. Help me overcome what I was taught. Set me free of this pain.

So. much. pain: I cried today staring into his eyes, and he thought it was his fault. But truth is, it was not, and I said it several times.

The best way to take care of each other is to deal with oneself.

I wish I didn't believe that if I didn't exist everything would be better for everyone else, especially the closer ones. I wish I could value my own worth, then maybe it would be fine when they stop listening, or I could be authentic and tell them it's not nice.
Not cool.

So many distractions, so many noises, so many hits on the mattress. Today I threw a tantrum and came back.

Am I ever going to get better?
I don't know but I am trying.

I am here for me.