Another year.

I have decided that for this year, I will take it slow, and since we are just the two of us cooking Dampfnudeln and lentejas, I will be able to do all the weird shit that I am never confident enough to do.

I can also be super classy, and super me by listening to upbeat jazz, and drink Glühwein! What a great new year´s eve.

So, first of all:
My goals, I need 3-5 goals that I can accomplish or move closer to, during the next year.
Obviously, three of those goals will be wasted on things that have been pushed for two years already (or more):

Goal number 1:       Learning German (4realdistime!)
This one has 3 steps:

1. Organize what I already have in paper.
2. Finish the online course
3. Make summaries of grammar and vocabulary.

As side steps and extra encouragement, I will:

• Watch one movie/series/video in German per week.
• Turn German subtitles on in every movie I watch by myself.
• Read one children's book in German every three months (I'm trying to keep it real)

Goal number 2:        Find a path.
This is taken apart into, kind of 3 steps:

1. Make a list of "paths" (I will not go into details of what I mean with paths).
2. Sift with: Pros, cons, emotions, society.
3. Hopefully finding a path, but at least shortening the list.

Goal number 3:       Keep moving forward on my mental health.
This one has more of a bag of learning and coping tools than steps, but here:

1. List what I believe are my issues.
2. Create a system for writing about the toxic paths that the mind takes in adversity.
3. Create a set of tools to cope with each issue and the small instant situations that trigger them too.
4. Make a list of triggers and examine their origin.
5. Make a list of habits that help my general health.
6. List my boundaries, with reasons, origins, their importance, and likelihood to be crossed. And fucking respect them!
7. Make a list of nice things to tell me when I am mistreating myself.
8. Start a gratitude journal.

Goal number 4:       Change my calendar.
This one is a new one and is kind of creating a completely new way of counting the days, and more:

1. Create my holidays and rituals to celebrate them.
2. Read on Paganism, Celts, Buddhism and other religions to add whatever I like from them.
3. Make a fucking great bible kind of thing! 
4. Start a cult.
5. Destroy the system and end patriarchy.
6. Start a new, better world!

Goal number 5:    Write, write, write.
It was hard to decide since I have so many writing desires!

1. Write on my new calendar and beliefs.
2. Write articles about social issues.
3. Create the world, the characters, backgrounds, and situations for my novel.
4. Write short stories for adults.
5. Write short stories for children (and draw the books!)
6. Create my zine!
7. Write my book of short stories (give shape).

Now, I would like to stick to certain habits so I will transform them into challenges!

1. Meditation challenge: Meditate at least 5 minutes per day for the whole year.
2. Relaxing challenge: Take time to relax once every other day for 2 months.
3. Mental health challenge: Create the system and use it at least once a week for 3 months.
4. Me-time challenge: Take alone time at least twice a week for one month.
5. Emotional writing challenge: Write two poems per week, optional: turn them into songs, for the whole year.
6. Physical health challenge: List a bunch of sport I may do, pick up one depending on the likelihood of sticking to it. Practice this sport twice a week for 2 months.

Besides that, I will:

• Make a list of projects on a piece of paper, to have it all very clear right in front of me all the time. 
• Make a budget to have more organized finances!

Easy enough, right? Ha. At least it's well organized, or isn't it?. Let's have some hope though... I can do this!

And on that note, I wish anyone who is out there and may see this, a wonderful new year.

Thirst.

This never had anything to do with you, or him, or them, or anyone, maybe not even me. Still, I keep visiting you, hoping to read some of your wonderful, yet terrifying mind, but there is nothing new, not even unrelated to me.
Sometimes is interesting to see what you are to me, what you are to that, what you are to you, and how this ended up as it is now. It feels childish and annoying.


I am as thirsty as a fish in a glass, and I can hear you masturbating, your heavy breathing and your bed making so much noise. Tonight though, it is painful to hear you, I have been triggered and can't go back so easily.
See the thing is, when there is a thought, I can make it go away by unveiling the dysfunctional path that was taken, but no matter how illogical, the thought creates emotions, real, painful emotions. And those are the ones hard to trash.

And off you go again to your second orgasm as I think of when you pointed towards this one other being in those videos we enjoy so much, separated. And I kept telling myself, "it is just the expression", but then it became real. See another thing I learned, is that I can't argue with the thoughts, or they will get stronger, but when they are too painful, I can't let them go. I need some protection, and that is logic and reality.
But as I am laying here, sad and cold, despite all the blankets on me, all I can think of is you, masturbating, to someone else's moans.

I get it, I know it's a very different thing.

Today I felt toxic and I can feel how I am slowly going down. There were too many good things the last two days, and this, so generous life, decided it was too much, so I am going down, slowly, as you rise on your bed to the thought of someone else.

But I get it, it is different.

And I do the same, sometimes, but to the thought of someone real. To someone, I have seen and not touched, to someone whose name you hate, because you hate the existence of this person.
I wish I were like you, so "light", a little wind can lift you up in this.
Although I wish I was never like you, so fucking heavy, always saying no, one little stone and you crumble.

But then, what would I prefer anyway, to have that, or to keep me? And not out of selfishness, or anything, I would prefer me.

And that, sweetheart, is such a huge change I have almost fully taken, even if the road is as long as the galaxy and my feet burn as I walk this path, I will choose me.