Sometimes is interesting to see what you are to me, what you are to that, what you are to you, and how this ended up as it is now. It feels childish and annoying.
I am as thirsty as a fish in a glass, and I can hear you masturbating, your heavy breathing and your bed making so much noise. Tonight though, it is painful to hear you, I have been triggered and can't go back so easily.
See the thing is, when there is a thought, I can make it go away by unveiling the dysfunctional path that was taken, but no matter how illogical, the thought creates emotions, real, painful emotions. And those are the ones hard to trash.
And off you go again to your second orgasm as I think of when you pointed towards this one other being in those videos we enjoy so much, separated. And I kept telling myself, "it is just the expression", but then it became real. See another thing I learned, is that I can't argue with the thoughts, or they will get stronger, but when they are too painful, I can't let them go. I need some protection, and that is logic and reality.
But as I am laying here, sad and cold, despite all the blankets on me, all I can think of is you, masturbating, to someone else's moans.
I get it, I know it's a very different thing.
Today I felt toxic and I can feel how I am slowly going down. There were too many good things the last two days, and this, so generous life, decided it was too much, so I am going down, slowly, as you rise on your bed to the thought of someone else.
But I get it, it is different.
And I do the same, sometimes, but to the thought of someone real. To someone, I have seen and not touched, to someone whose name you hate, because you hate the existence of this person.
I wish I were like you, so "light", a little wind can lift you up in this.
Although I wish I was never like you, so fucking heavy, always saying no, one little stone and you crumble.
But then, what would I prefer anyway, to have that, or to keep me? And not out of selfishness, or anything, I would prefer me.
And that, sweetheart, is such a huge change I have almost fully taken, even if the road is as long as the galaxy and my feet burn as I walk this path, I will choose me.