It's hard to stick to something, eating healthy first thing in the morning, learning German, exercising daily. People talk about habits, how you can create them in 30, or 60 days, how it is supposed to become easy and innate to perform them, how they will stick, easily, and that makes me wonder, am I broken somehow?
I created a short exercise routine to do once a day, I did it in the mornings most of the time, I learned that flexibility is part of discipline, but just like that, I could stop doing it after 6 months but couldn't rebuild it as my whole life crumbled at my sight.
Yesterday I was riding my bike through the city for seven hours, pushing down the pedals as if in trance, breathing in and out, repeatedly. Songs came to my ears through modern connections of air or so, and sometimes I sang, out of breath, jumping on the bumps of the roads, and in the middle of all this boredom, I caught myself drifting away, observing humans from afar as if I wasn't one of them, and I believe at that moment, I wasn't, not entirely at least.
Once my left foot reached the bottom fast, my right foot slowed down time, and I caught on the edge of my view a very young child, all dressed in a dark green snowsuit and a brown woollen hat, they had just learned how to walk, according to the way they push their body forward. The parent was walking nearby but not close, they give such freedom to children here, I would have never seen anything like this back in the south. The child went down to dig the ground next to a bench and was moving their little arms frantically, exploring this world that they are new to, the parent moved closer to check but only talked to them, "what have you found?", I imagine they said since I was far and my German isn't great.
My right foot reached the bottom and time went back to normal, but I was still in this image, this little gif of the child, all in green, kneeling down, digging the floor. The only thought that was in my conscious mind was: "These little animals", a lot of emotions arose inside me, the unconscious thoughts that I unravelled as I kept going were complex, and still I haven't fully understood. Something about humans being animals, about using animal names as insults, about this stupid superiority complex, about enslavement, about capitalism and how it literally destroys everything, about this need to have everything we want at any given time, and about how far we have drifted from the natural ways, instead of watching spring rejoice in its blooming, slowly, getting ready for winter and its decadence, finding peace in the movement of the sun, or time passing with the moon, sharing what we are full of, love. Instead, we are caught up on epileptic screens, frantic cars, silent yet full trains, so far away from all that is sacred, all that should be.
"Once capitalism gets its hands on something, that something means destruction", this is not what you said, you probably said it much nicely with your cute accent and the anger we share for the state of life. We are in the age of speed, greediness and developments, advancements, more and much more, but it is time to end it, it is time to use these new things at our advantage, for us, the real human beings, the animals we are, either wearing green snowsuits and brown hats on our massive heads or not, and kneel down to touch the soil because it is as interesting as Netflix is for the so-called "adults" as if that meant some sort of superiority over children, teenagers, the elderly.
It's time to let go of hierarchies, stop the differences and the fear, be patient and share, help one another, no matter what. It is time to go back to being animals, living with the world, with each other, and not from, anymore.
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The day was grey but warm, it was a great feeling after the sharp frozen air from yesterday, another 5 hours then, still 4 more to go today, at least I didn't need snow gloves, only fingerless. I had already been through many emotions: Sadness when I saw him on the stairs with some bread rolls and hummus while he refused to kiss me and wished me a good day, fear crossing groups of men with my bright, almost fluorescent orange "Lieferando" jacket, anxiety in the train in front of that person who was staring probably thinking I wouldn't realize, upset when I got to the HUB and was sent a different way without hearing my reasons just because the big fancy bosses were there, all dressed in fancy clothes and having big white smiles. Anger and fear together each time a car passed too close or turned right without looking at the bikeway, I mean I am fucking fluorescent orange! How can you not see me?!
And then, these contemplative moments of animal watching as if in a zoo, another group of men on the street, at least 4 of them standing in the middle of the sidewalk talking loudly, laughing loudly, moving back and forth without any attention to anyone or anything else around them, as if the whole city belonged to them. -Taking. So. Much. Space.-
Again, time slowed down, but now I was staring angrily, though, at that moment, I felt as I was separating from that person who was staring, there were two of me then, and I was the observing, not the feeling.
The voices of the four men, dressed in big sneakers, tight jeans and big black puffy jackets, were the only thing I could hear, even in this busy street. People walked around them at normal speed, while they moved their arms carelessly, people moved -around them-, trying not to get into trouble with them, and they just moved, at different times, inwards and backwards without looking, leaving a circle of "manhood" between them, that brown, putrefactive thing that distinguishes "men" in this society. I united with my feeling again, but I wasn't angry at them anymore, I felt somewhat sad for them: This is the only thing they know, this is them not having woken up from their dreams of superiority, believing they are wholesome, happy. This is not their fault, they were raised this way, but it is their fault to keep perpetuating it, especially during this raging age of speed and communication. I wish someone in their lives would show them a better way, someone would help them wake up.
And as time went back to normal, my emotions arose again as another man opened the door of his car, carelessly, and I had to dodge it on the bike without being run over by the cars rushing at my left. I took a deep breath in, and slowly out, took a couple more, as I always do in the job. The contemplation went away as fast as we can die, at any given moment. I couldn't properly construct either a feeling or a thought about this moment, so I let go and continued to push down with my legs towards another restaurant. Not the nice kinds that offer you a tea inside and wish you a good day, but the kinds that look at you badly from the moment you walk inside and have white tall supervisors, dressed in vests and buttoned shirts, who walk towards you to, condescendingly, let you know that you -have to wait outside, in the cold until the food is done, "10 minutes" he said.
So I walked out, angry again at this stupid society, these stupid people who are all about presentation, stupid superiority rules, he even tried to touch my upper-back from his tall stand as if to give comfort or wise advice, but I didn't let him as I gave him a cold stare and walk out, fast.
They had two tables outside, and a curvy waitress in an extremely tight black dress was serving customers, the dress barely reached the end of her ass cheeks, she could barely breathe and had to pull it down and fix it every couple of minutes. She looked at me kindly and smiled saying the food wouldn't take much longer, that's when I reassured myself of the thought I already had, she is probably wearing that for three main reasons: to empower herself through sexuality, to get better tips and from orders from this stupid hierarchical system. She was nice, a victim who is standing strong in this patriarchic bullshit.
A couple of minutes passed and he didn't even wish me a good evening when he finally gave me the food, but I know if he had, it would've been fake. I see beyond their fake smiles and fancy clothing, I see their emptiness, their nights out drinking with friends to cover up the pain they can't resolve: they can't wake up from their sleepiness. I see him alone in bed, numbing himself to sleep, I see him living for the weekend, in his fancy apartment, one night stands each night, believing he has it all, such a successful white cis man, yet still empty, unable to realize that this is what the system has done to all of us and so, fighting to perpetuate it because privileges come at hand for him. Each person on their own, more and more and more, never slowing down, never resting, believing that life is this loop of work to cover up for your lifestyle in pieces of papers that someone decided are worth so damn much.
I wish I could make you understand that everyone around you is worth the same as you are, that sharing kindness is the most fulfilling thing, that you'd be surprised about how much better your life can get when you let go of your superiority, the happiness to belong when you share your privileges and become vulnerable in front of others, how empowering and beautiful that can be.
-
Breathing again the wind against my face, checking the map to try to make sense of these busy streets, cars passing fast right in front of my eyes with their bright high lights, red, and green, and red and green again, everything changing hectically around me, time passing so fast as I pedal and try to survive this toxic game of who has the bigger penis on the streets. Loud motors and horns, honking at anything, honking in response, another one joins, are they even thinking at all? And just like that, I was standing still at the red light as time slowed down again, in the middle of this big intersection where cars didn't make any sense, all wanting to go in different directions, some turning right, others left, honking at each other, just trapped in this middle ground, fearing their red light, not caring for the reasons why there was a car standing in front of a light, not caring for the old couple who were walking as fast as they could with their canes and their arms, to not be inconvenient for this constantly speeding world.
I sighed looking at this tragicomedy, more tragic than anything else, I felt trapped, hopeless, I sighed, and thought, this is it, this is the epitome of everything that is wrong with this idiotic society we live in.
He who has money can take more space and feels entitled to anything. If anything goes against his plans, he uses his privileges to make things work or complains as loudly as their motors and horns. If he got off of his privilege, of his fancy car, his fancy clothes, his hierarchical position, he could see the beauty in the old couple walking together, he would feel pure love, pure empathy and contemplate, in awe, this wonderful scene, of a couple reaching the other side of the road safely, without having felt "inconvenient" for this fast society. He could understand finally. that speed is exactly what is making him sick, maybe he could even realize of his state, and could start working on healing his cold, machine-like, binary heart.