Is this hunger or thirst?
And if I can't recognize that, how can I trust myself at all?
It makes sense how I keep dragging around these fears and feelings, like a forgotten ghost, never certain of how to resolve them and let go.
A big "unresolved matters" sign should be planted on my head, it's part of my personality by now.
And here we go again, new feelings are coming up because "unresolved matters" is my second name: I could hear them having sex and it feels weird, not in a jealous way, I don't at all want to be either her, or there, or with him... My emotions are always complex apparently:
First of all, I feel envy: He kept saying "she can come, she can squirt" while implying, "Sorry you are broken".
But also I feel cringe about hearing her extremely high pitched voice moaning, I don't like hearing people having sex unless they are complete strangers and I won't ever meet them (and of course if I am having sex, duh).
And somehow I am angry... "fear of missing out" comes to my head, when he said she was coming over, I wanted to go be with my partners too, but what I honestly want is to be alone today, in myself, in my head. Be with the amazing company that is me.
But this heads up brought all these feelings, that restlessness that is already deeply imprinted in me.
I have nothing to envy, except the orgasms I guess... Because this "being broken" is at the core of me. It comes up all the time, it stops me from fully enjoying the pleasure... My mind is broken though, my body is just very sensitive but needs a lot of the exact right kind of stimulation in very specific places.
I don't envy her but I am angry somehow... Am I angry at myself?
And now I am way too tired to keep going. I hope the morning brings some clarity, I hope I can sleep at all... And maybe tomorrow I can focus on the "unresolved matters" heavy sign I'm still dragging around after this text.