The First Brain Dump of 2021, and in years.

 I've lost practice, to let my mind wander as such has turned more into a task than anything. Being burnout yet continuing to work through it as if nothing was bothering me, sometimes having had therapy isn't a blessing, I still struggle to truly understand when I need a break and when things aren't bad enough, as if I didn't deserve it... I struggle to know what to do in this break once I have it.

I struggle with language, I've been so tired of English when I'm constantly having explosive arguments in such language. I feel like everything is against me at the moment, everything is stalled. 

Is that the right word? As I researched the purple plant light turned off and I felt somehow relieved but less spacey. I want to roll a joint, don't worry mother, a CBD one, I prefer MDMA to weed, in fact, I do not enjoy weed. You will worry either way because you are paralysed by fear, your entire life you've been. Thankfully I left you, fear isn't stopping me, what is stopping me right now is the damn German bureaucracy.

It's been a full year and still can't get properly registered. I'm checking my phone, I wonder if it is because it's hard to have so much in my mind at the moment. I can't type thoroughly because I feel sudden urges to scratch my head, look at my phone, stare out the window, loose focus on the nature sounds playing in the background... I feel very unsteady, jittery, like on caffeine, but I know that it is because I haven't really been by myself in a long time. Lies. It's because I'm overwhelmed by all the chaos that I have inside and haven't taken care of. 

I don't want to talk about that relationship, I want to write about myself. My right wrist hurts and cracks as I make circles with it, I heard someone in the kitchen and felt very very anxious, I need a vacation: 2 days without internet in some warm place yet far away enough to not be talked to. I need a break from my own head, my own emotions, my own distractions. 

I NEED TO GET BACK TO MY ROUTINES, though I'm against going back, so what I will rephrase this like this:

"I need to create new routines that support my current lifestyle and relationships, as they help me stay grounded in my attempts to move forward in life."

I need to shower as well and get rid, once and for all of the thrips on my plants, before they go and eat up all my beautiful babies. Sometimes I feel burdened by my plants, just like by language, just like by all the responsibilities. Sometimes I feel abandoned, I've felt very abandoned no long ago. I'm so angry at myself for making so many mistakes, for not writing as fast as my mind goes, for being so itchy, I am just trying to put all this shit down once and for all!

I am upset at myself for not having written anything at all in the past months, for not being disciplined enough, for making so many mistakes as I write this, for even caring about this as my computer feels weirdly more tilted into one side more than the other making my wrists feel funny! 
I am full of anger! I'm so anxious and upset! I just want to relax but at the same time I feel blown up, like a massive brown balloon, one full of nothing and everything at the same time. I used to feel this way a lot as a child, which reminds me of how I've thought about my mother so often because I'm, over and over, stuck between the sword and the wall, and you get upset, but I do really mean it. 

Maybe it's a subconscious strategy to make you feel sorry for me and leave me.

I want to shave my head again because my hair is so itchy. it's annoying and it goes everywhere... I remember that dream in which it was long and I was happy, but now I feel stupid for letting it grow only for that hope... Premonitory dreams aren't my strong suit, nothing is my strong suit really...

I am so frustrated because I'm not as good at magic as I should be by now because I haven't been disciplined enough. I'm frustrated because I feel how the things I've learned in therapy are running away from me as my brain get filled with childhood triggers, fears and screams.

I'm frustrated because I can't leave. Because I feel disrespected every time and I am not smart enough to explain it as others do. I can't talk properly anymore, I can't write properly anymore, if it wasn'T for this stupid auto-corrector, all these words would be wrongly written. Sometimes I wonder if I actually have dyslexia or something... That would be quite the relive, just like having some sort of autism. 

I want to shave everything because everything is itchy, MY FRUSTRATION IS ITCHY!

I felt sad for a second there, but the anger took over and I'm just aggressively typing on the keyboard hoping to feel a bit better soon enough. My shoulders are hard as rocks, my jaw is clenching as my teeth are grinding themselves and chewing on my cheeks. My neck hurts as the bag under my eyes state my state, estado. 

I can't find peace and the more I write the worst I feel, I feel pressured to everything! 

I feel pressured to relax effectively, I feel pressured to write so that I feel better, I feel pressured to make my time worthy, I feel pressured to write something I can post and will be beautiful because if this isn't post-worthy, it means my time writing this was wasted unless of course, I manage to relax!

To empty this brain... but I wonder if it is ever going to happen, I am so impatient with myself at the moment because I have been at the mercy of others who love me and want to see me at all times, I haven't reinforced my boundaries, I have been giving myself to others like a machine and not giving myself enough! I need myself too, I especially need myself.

My spine feels like it's going to crack, yet no matter how much I move it, it just doesn't crack. I need some free days, I need a different job, one that doesn't require being cold and putting external weight on my back. I still don't know if I would pursuit the yoga or the writing, or both? Could I do both? I know that I can't ever finish anything, that I can't even focus on writing this because my fucking body, which is a burden at the moment, is itchy and wants to crack, every single bone... I can't let go and so I will smoke to relax. I want to sleep but I keep having constant nightmares.

What can my sleeping routine be? What calms me down? I'm doing everything in a hurry because I know my alone time is limited, despite the pandemic, I have been as full of socializing as always! And I'm upset that I couldn't have any privileges from this time. I have and continued to work through it all, my salary is exactly the same, I don't get any sort of help from either the company, the people of the government and I have to accept that the tips are null now because well, no one has money during the pandemic... Or so they say, but those who order this fucking food have enough money, they're privileged assholes.

I am so upset at the people who let this system rape us, sure the ones that let themselves be raped, but especially those who are raping us. Ups, is rape mentioning too much for you? 

I AM SO ANGRY! I keep writing and writing, I can't even fucking write properly, and I am just fucking unable to relax! My body keeps itching and my nose and my head and my hairs and my neck.

I want to scratch until I BLEED OUT AND DIE IN PAIN.

I can't even write relax properly because I keep writing RELAY! RELY RELA LRELREALYL REALY RELAY RELAX!!!!! XXXXXXXXX RELAX!

Maybe this is not working and I should just stop. My time is limited and I have no patience. My body feels even more tense than when I started so this shit brain dump idea just made it worse!

How can I actually put all these issues out? Categories? What are the categories of life?

I need to pee again... what is it with my bladder lately?! I JUST PEED!!

I want to do a facial today, during the bath, with candles and smoking the CBD. 

I want to shave before that. 

I want to clean my ears.

I want to answer to the messages with the attention and care they deserve (tomorrow). 

I want to make a list with all the things that help me feel relaxed and soothed, 

I want to make an organized version of al which I learned during therapy.

And most importantly I want to organize my life:

Keep one day a week for self-care: 

- Meditation

- Exercising

- Stretching

- Fasting (16-20hrs)

- Nurturing shower with facial

- Tarot reading

- Reading

- Watching cartoons or heartwarming movies

- Eat fresh and heartwarming (soups, smoothies, salads)

- Write or draw

Daily self-care:

- Meditation

- Stretching

- Be alone!

Exercise routine:

- Stretching

- Warm-up

- Exercise different areas without resting

- Wind down

- Stretching

Focus: 

- Paperwork (Get the goddamn Anmeldung done! Ask for ALG1, get BWS.)

- Career* (make a list of the steps to take on each closer option: writing, yoga. Do the same for the further options: Design, carpentry, psychology, physiotherapy.)

- Projects (make a list of all and a plan for each)

Life categories are:

Relationships (family, friends, romantics)

Mental self (discipline and joy)

Physical self (nutrition and movement)

Career (stability and meaning)

I am very tired now, so I will end this weird output, quite unsuccessful unless later I realise it wasn't. I won't even read it again probably. 

Still frustrated,

Daniela.

You (first draft)

It's 2am and I'm still here, though I said good night four hours ago. I brushed my teeth and turned all off, except for this little, bright screen that carries a universe inside.

It carries you too, and that makes me happy, though even happier when you're outside of it and next to me, or on top, or underneath.

But these words right here aren't about that sublime ritual which we do to fulfil the body's desire, no matter how much I'm drawn to carve it into words. This is about love, a very special kind.

_______

It had been almost an hour, it wasn't too warm at least, yet, but my checkered pants were a bit damp, like my underwear whenever you're near nowadays. I didn't know back then what the outcome of this minuscule encounter would be, maybe 10 minutes of my 26 years on this ground, 27 by now but thankfully, not just 10 minutes anymore.

As I took off my headphones and warned you:

"That food must be yours cause I've been here for an hour..."

I felt a warmth that isn't common for a first time, your face illuminated in a way I can't exactly explain, a pinch of surprise in the bowl of familiarity, comfort, was it even a first glimpse of love?

Maybe that first second held our entire future in itself, our story was written already: the talk and laughter, the fact that you fell into tram lines in the past and I asked you if you're ok in the present, the bike compliments, the unnoticed request for your phone number, unanswered too. I felt easy, like my heart was somehow smiling and my mouth followed, my stomach was a bit tight, it was our first time and I didn't want to fuck it up. I was surprised at how well we understood each other already, and how much we laughed. You let yourself flow with me for those 10 minutes, and I with you, like a dance never performed before, in the fear of judgement, in the comfort of none, in the hope of love and the anxiety of pains ahead, we danced with words, hands and eyes.

And so we part ways as the rest of my day brightened by this encounter, of my week even, telling everyone about it, over and over in such purity, such joy.

See, you felt real, authentic and open from the beginning. You talked to me showing all you are and you let me in, even then, even if you didn't notice, even if by mistake, and I assure you, with all my heart, that it was not a mistake.

_______

Time went by and I never saw you again, my pure stranger, but I held you dearly in my heart. Your beautiful accent, your strangely delicate hands, that laughter and your grey greenish eyes. They found a space within me to rest in patience, knowing we would meet again because this wasn't over.

Often they came out to my view and make me see you in every rider I crossed, though once I actually looked at them, none was you. Of course, none is you, because you, you are indescribable, not like them. I can tell you everything about them in a blink of an eye, but you, you make me ruminate in the beauty and the pain, the anger and the love, the love, the love. Your love my love...

I'm trying to focus on our story, but I lose myself in the warmth of the thought of you: "It's gonna be massive!" and you were right, it is.

_______

One day I walked out of a room and into another, and there you were! I can't remember the words because I saw your eyes and I wanted to hug you. I was ecstatic, a feeling you still give me after all this time. You waited for me, or did I wait for you? We cycled together still. I wanted to be especially cool, I was nervous, you see? So I cycled faster than usual and positioned my body to look prettier, I guess that I still feel like my beauty is my biggest asset, how dumb is that?

Anyway, we talked, pedalled and we laughed. And we haven't stopped doing just that, not a chance.

Reaching the end of my cycle, the corner of that street, we turned just a bit and stopped as I asked you for your number clearly, like Alicia in that restaurant she works, you know? This time you did answer and you were happy as was I. We part ways again but now the feeling was greater and calmer, "I will see him again, I know".

I felt nervous in the chaos and light of my life, I'm still learning to braid the paths and choices I'm making, healing from the wounds of the past, and I still need reminding, every day, to put myself first, hence this choice of having more than one lighthouse to guide me home, where I am always welcomed, within my own heart, just like you.

_______

Soon after I was done with the current job, I sent you a message, saw you cycling on the other side of the road against me, but you didn't see me. You were so fast and light, your destroyed bag was floating with the wind, and so was your red hair in the heat of a warm day, warning us of the warmer days ahead. I stopped and smiled as you passed, I looked at you for what felt an eternity, but it musn't have been because I wasn't late for my next delivery.

The day was easier then, the entire job had a new purpose, to see you again, seen we both lived nearby, and so began a conversation that hasn't finished yet, that I hope won't finish soon either.

You told me this story the other night, after such a difficult day, and it warmed my heart so. Though I don't think this redaction will make up to that beautiful tale, it's a beginning to show you how special you have been ever since.