It's 2am and I'm still here, though I said good night four hours ago. I brushed my teeth and turned all off, except for this little, bright screen that carries a universe inside.
It carries you too, and that makes me happy, though even happier when you're outside of it and next to me, or on top, or underneath.
But these words right here aren't about that sublime ritual which we do to fulfil the body's desire, no matter how much I'm drawn to carve it into words. This is about love, a very special kind.
_______
It had been almost an hour, it wasn't too warm at least, yet, but my checkered pants were a bit damp, like my underwear whenever you're near nowadays. I didn't know back then what the outcome of this minuscule encounter would be, maybe 10 minutes of my 26 years on this ground, 27 by now but thankfully, not just 10 minutes anymore.
As I took off my headphones and warned you:
"That food must be yours cause I've been here for an hour..."
I felt a warmth that isn't common for a first time, your face illuminated in a way I can't exactly explain, a pinch of surprise in the bowl of familiarity, comfort, was it even a first glimpse of love?
Maybe that first second held our entire future in itself, our story was written already: the talk and laughter, the fact that you fell into tram lines in the past and I asked you if you're ok in the present, the bike compliments, the unnoticed request for your phone number, unanswered too. I felt easy, like my heart was somehow smiling and my mouth followed, my stomach was a bit tight, it was our first time and I didn't want to fuck it up. I was surprised at how well we understood each other already, and how much we laughed. You let yourself flow with me for those 10 minutes, and I with you, like a dance never performed before, in the fear of judgement, in the comfort of none, in the hope of love and the anxiety of pains ahead, we danced with words, hands and eyes.
And so we part ways as the rest of my day brightened by this encounter, of my week even, telling everyone about it, over and over in such purity, such joy.
See, you felt real, authentic and open from the beginning. You talked to me showing all you are and you let me in, even then, even if you didn't notice, even if by mistake, and I assure you, with all my heart, that it was not a mistake.
_______
Time went by and I never saw you again, my pure stranger, but I held you dearly in my heart. Your beautiful accent, your strangely delicate hands, that laughter and your grey greenish eyes. They found a space within me to rest in patience, knowing we would meet again because this wasn't over.
Often they came out to my view and make me see you in every rider I crossed, though once I actually looked at them, none was you. Of course, none is you, because you, you are indescribable, not like them. I can tell you everything about them in a blink of an eye, but you, you make me ruminate in the beauty and the pain, the anger and the love, the love, the love. Your love my love...
I'm trying to focus on our story, but I lose myself in the warmth of the thought of you: "It's gonna be massive!" and you were right, it is.
_______
One day I walked out of a room and into another, and there you were! I can't remember the words because I saw your eyes and I wanted to hug you. I was ecstatic, a feeling you still give me after all this time. You waited for me, or did I wait for you? We cycled together still. I wanted to be especially cool, I was nervous, you see? So I cycled faster than usual and positioned my body to look prettier, I guess that I still feel like my beauty is my biggest asset, how dumb is that?
Anyway, we talked, pedalled and we laughed. And we haven't stopped doing just that, not a chance.
Reaching the end of my cycle, the corner of that street, we turned just a bit and stopped as I asked you for your number clearly, like Alicia in that restaurant she works, you know? This time you did answer and you were happy as was I. We part ways again but now the feeling was greater and calmer, "I will see him again, I know".
I felt nervous in the chaos and light of my life, I'm still learning to braid the paths and choices I'm making, healing from the wounds of the past, and I still need reminding, every day, to put myself first, hence this choice of having more than one lighthouse to guide me home, where I am always welcomed, within my own heart, just like you.
_______
Soon after I was done with the current job, I sent you a message, saw you cycling on the other side of the road against me, but you didn't see me. You were so fast and light, your destroyed bag was floating with the wind, and so was your red hair in the heat of a warm day, warning us of the warmer days ahead. I stopped and smiled as you passed, I looked at you for what felt an eternity, but it musn't have been because I wasn't late for my next delivery.
The day was easier then, the entire job had a new purpose, to see you again, seen we both lived nearby, and so began a conversation that hasn't finished yet, that I hope won't finish soon either.
You told me this story the other night, after such a difficult day, and it warmed my heart so. Though I don't think this redaction will make up to that beautiful tale, it's a beginning to show you how special you have been ever since.