It's supposed to be the other way around: Output in the morning and input at night, yet I am here in the evening wishing to decompress this difficult mind. I'd like to pick up the habit of writing again, yet there are many fears on my way, one in particular keeps me from it and there is no way to bypass it or control it. So I guess the answer is either to write more and keep my calm, or migrate once more into another realm.
The thing is, I'd like to keep this one I've built for most of my life and especially cause I can see my growth since I came to this new land at only 23 years old. I'm 29 now and honestly, it feels like a lifetime went by.
My rusty fingers make plenty of mistakes today, it's been a while since I last wrote anything, or used this computer at all, it's quite broken, kind of like this brain I hold. The main difference is, this brain I love; this computer, I don't.
I dream of a new era, one where music, illustrations and books are possible, sitting on my balcony creating as if I was another one of those who claim to be an artist, or maybe the concept I look for is simply, happy. Those claiming their artistry tend to look more than they are, especially here it seems... I'm so tired of Berlin, of Germany in general, yet it's exactly now, when my life is about to change dramatically, moving me closer to all of my dreams and wishes, that I'm reaching a new level of disgust toward this entire society and idiosyncrasy. Of course, my first thought is: Is this self-sabotage?
Thankfully, there is no turning back right now.
On the 1st of July I'll be living in the place of my dreams, one I didn't know would look as it does. Sunny, quiet and clean, finally safe.
After years of crawling under men's feet, trying to escape their lacks and needs, I'm entering a new era, one in which I'm surrounded with lightness, magic, beauty, all that is sacred of us assigned female at birth, all that only we understand. No more rush and impatience, no more babysitting, teaching and smiling through discomfort, no more failed attempts to explain myself to them, no more "hurting" others by just being who I am. No more exhaustion, no more fogginess, no more anger and stress.
This is the era of me.
Entering my 30s, on the journey of getting to know the deepest places of me and all the divine feminine I feared for most of my life, I denied.
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Today I wore makeup and I felt beautiful, not weird and uncomfortable. It was worth celebrating. Today I sat at a park alone, had tea, chocolate and crisps and water too, I read and crocheted and gave myself the time to truly, fully and deeply rest and be. Outside, despite the fears, despite the judgement, despite the strangers.
Today I felt free.