Trauma, depression, autism, ADHD, shyness, trust, instinct, -trauma. Trauma.
It doesn't really matter where it came from the symptoms seem to be the same. It doesn't matter the label, but the individual experience and how to make it better. It's a journey for the hermit me, sadly not a grandiose adventure into mountain heights or forest depths, but just an attention-paying-daily-life journey.
Boring and difficult.
I forget to eat at times and I'm supposed to remember to notice what I'm feeling every hour while I'm actually constantly overwhelmed by the arduous task of roaming the world and being social!
Difficult.
(CREATE A SYSTEM)
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Either way, the most present issue right now is this incapacity to figure out if it's intuition, anxiety or trauma. I dreamt about him again, his mother had invited me to some sort of gathering but they somehow were rich now. Everyone else was there, including her, but she was less obsessed with him and actually wanted to talk to me, I was pretending like my entire life was perfect and that I didn't care or wasn't hurt about the past. I just wanted to show everyone, how cool and moved on I was; internally it was another story, the anxiety and feeling of being a complete alien were swallowing me. All I really wanted was to not be there.
That tells me a lot about the brewing within.
You were not in this dream, but somehow it's all about us lately. So what do I trust? The last 4 years, the lie after being caught and your secrets of privacy you so greedily keep or what I fear but intensely feel?
You broke my trust and there is no indication of that not happening again, at times I don't know who this person next to me is, some other times I feel like I naturally perceive the entirety of you, past, present and future.
So what do I do? I'm not dumb enough to follow my gut for I know it's not working as it should -They say to train it, but of course, no one says how. Trust yourself, stand up for yourself, whatever shit is in vogue right now, but can you even imagine how many mistakes can be done in one lifetime? How can I trust if I also just hurt myself again and again?
Paralysed, neither turning left nor right, but I've come to the end of the road, there is no more ahead, and I have to choose. I am terrified that my choice will lead me to be fooled once again if I even catch you this time... That this choice will break my heart later than sooner and it will hurt double.
Why did you lie? Why did you stand in the grey area? Why didn't you think of the consequences? Why didn't you anticipate my response based on all you know about my trauma?
I've cried in your arms talking about the past, yet you couldn't imagine how destructive a lie, or simply the obstruction of a full truth, could be?
I anticipate so much, too much... Yes, that's also trauma response and in the end I wonder who the fuck am I besides a fucking trauma response!
How can I get back to myself, trust myself, differentiate intuition from fear and trigger and learn to trust you again? How can I come back to myself and find safety and love within, instead of the constant comparison I am deeply against, yet society has brainwashed us all to believe it's all about beauty and having a bigger ass and smaller waist and perfect skin and hair and makeup and tits and noses and feet and being carefree and low-key and natural and effortless and sexy and glittery and tanned and perfect... fucking fairies! FUCKING MEN! You bastards!
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How can I quit the game when I am in love with one of you cunts? If I live in a society ruled by you cunts? If I learnt to be invisible because when I've been perceived, it's been deeply endangering? All because of you cunts.
So how do I become perceivable and stay safe at the same time? Should I carry a gun? I learnt many other tricks... And when I wanted to learn BJJ your lovely little bitch came into the game pushing my entire will out of the ship into the depths of the ocean. We used to play wrestling, and I used to love it, now I still see her sweaty, dancer body holding pads for you, "cause holding pads requires technique"... you cunt. All you lying cunts. I'm living the same story over and over again, each one has a slightly different version, none of you has ever been guilty according to you; on my side, none of you has ever been caught, if that was the case, then things would have been different like it was when turns out I knew the truth.
You may want to believe you would have told me, but I don't believe that at all and it's not your fault. It's because of all the cunts who have created the world, and all the cunts living in it. Sadly you became one of them when you lied and now you're in the exact same bag in my head.
How can I trust when there is no evidence for that? You may repeat that the 4 years, but no... That's no proof of anything for there was never a situation in which lying could have been an option unless you were just a psychopath. Even that feels more believable right now than what you tell me to defend yourself. I don't know you! I don't know you!
Is leaving the only way?
That home in the woods, in the mountains, anywhere where people are not. Building my home, writing, crocheting, planting my foods, singing, cooking, solitude... Yes, I'd be lonely, and yes I may get bored, but there won't be any more of this foolish pain, no more manipulation, no more being too much, no more being awkward, no more being contrived, no more misunderstandings in communication, no more being unable to understand social norms, no more overstimulation, no more being lied to, no more anything you cunts have done.
I too often think of death. -abstract. Coward.
