A dead baby bird smashed on the pavement, crushed and spread, no sign of life on its underdeveloped body, nothing but blood and other juices, almost dried up right there in the middle of the beautiful last yard of the idyllic passages in the centre of this city. - A silence of respect and pedalling away.
As I reached closer to my home it was already dark, almost 1am as I passed by the old folk's home, a coffin being brought out by two old men in suits, it was such a beautiful wood, light coloured with a golden brooch on top. - Slowed down, a silence and as I cycled further, tears streamed down my face.
Are these omens of our ending?
I've missed the good times, even when we're doing alright, painting on you balcony under the scorching afternoon sun. I miss something we lost and I cannot remember what it looks like, what did it feel like? Can you help us remember?
You probably haven't even realized, nor could you tell what it used to be like. Sometimes I wonder if you know what colour my eyes are, or if I have earrings. Not even to mention, what's my favourite tea or my comfort films... I could spell it out and you wouldn't know, then in your despair, you'd say I never told you.
And I'd agree, for my gaslighting experiences are still deep, for I don't want to make you feel bad about not remembering such important details, which may just be unimportant to you.
So we're not taking the trains together again, especially the U8, cause it may be full of the type of woman you love, short hair, big nose, skinny but shapely, full tits, fit, maybe even wearing a big football top, even better if it's from a niche, lefty team from a cool country, like Turkey or Austria (yes, I chose those on purpose). And you don't want to feel bad for what you call "Human Nature" of being attracted to other people, one which I barely have, but sure, it's what humans are like. We're not taking the trains because you don't want to get triggered, meaning each time you go on - with me, you get triggered even if nothing is happening and no one is around us.
- Meaning my issues and needs in those moments are now secondary to those of you and I am alone again, even if you're right there next to me.
Still 4 hours of torture before ending this day, to be in a different world for just a few moments, not here with all this pain and heaviness. I've cried without control since I was at the corner of my building, it's hard to cry while cycling, you cannot see. It's hard to cycle when you just want to die, it's hard to avoid being in an accident. It's hard to show how horrible I feel when it's never been safe to do so, when it always ends up being about someone else, when you're being a burden and all that everyone wants is for it to end, to fix it, to fix me.
It's hard being the carer when you're the effector and the affected, when you are victim and at guilt. When it's all about you needing fixing, it's all about you bringing upon curses of anxiety that don't allow us to leave the house anymore, it's all about you and your stupidity for not seeing these allegedly very clear signs of love, it's all about you needing too much. - I thought that part of my journey was over, but it's not.
I'm too much and you're too little, but we respected each other until now. Now that I feel absolutely nothing good and all I see is the flaws, the missing bits, the unfulfilled wishes I have had in these 4 and a half years. All the times I wore special clothing for you, that I did special things for you, that I behaved in special ways for you, but the outcome was nothing special at all, just the same old, I've gone unnoticed once more.
I'm invisible when it comes to the effort, I'm invisible when it comes to the good, yet the bad, Oh the bad.
Now we're talking, let's make it loud and clear! Let's scream to the open skies how horrible it is to be with me, let's get traumatized by me. For smelling flowers and jumping about is a pretty little girly thing to do, ugly crying, being overwhelmed and overstimulated by this city, being triggered and feeling insecure is absolutely not.
All of that is simply too much and I am too much, but also not! Cause of course I shouldn't identify with the trauma, the hypersensitivity, no! I'm way more than that and I have to remember this, while also making it clear that all these symptoms are affecting him horribly, traumatising him and destroying him and us. - But let's see each other for three minutes today and sleep together, - no sex of course, and count it as a beautiful, qualitative day well-spent together.
Let's get me triggered and talk about you, all about you, let's comfort and care for you, respect your boundaries, fulfil your needs, do your activities, follow your guidelines to keep you happy, and don't forget tomorrow you'll need an exact time for me to leave, while there may be pouring rain, who knows, but no! It's alright, you won't kick me out in the pouring rain, only it's so deep I'll know how uncomfortable you are and how much you wish to be alone, but somehow you love me, you also just really want me gone, please, respect my needs.
And when I have truly left, like now, you are destroyed.
Well, baby, I've been destroyed again and again by your loveless ways. Your words say it's love, but your inaction, your lack of real touch and attention to my presence and stories, your not-sharing thoughts, your behaviours that are all about your own comfort and enjoyment, all that screams that you don't.
That I am too much, that you are tired and annoyed, that you are burdened and want me to go away.
But it's unfair on you and having a break is something that should be discussed - Do you mean that I for once had control in the relationship so you cannot stand it and need to get it back with a talk about this in which we'll end up doing as you want?
- No, honestly not! But you are destroyed and I need to reflect.