Death wishes again.

 What do I do now, with the note on my fridge, my favourite poem and the pillow I hug to sleep? 

What do I do now with the blanket you gave me and curtains and the kitchen?

What do I do now with all the love?

What do I do now, knowing she was right? Knowing I've lost again.

My new year's resolution was to stop wishing for death, but here I am again, knife at hand, only stopped by the knowledge of the pain I'd cause to those who love me.

I feel so lonely. It was always you who cleared my tears, you who I could call when the world crumble, to spoon me with your whole warmth, to let me rest my head on your chest and filled me with peace with the silly little things you would share. It was always you who were home and who made me feel like everything was going to be alright.

And now it's you who I've destroyed, who I've hurt so much with my own pain and it's my curse. 

So here I am, knife at hand, wishing to leave this place. Mother in my mind, a doomed future, the black hole I am.

And you were so mean, and you were so rushed, and you said I'm illogical, nonsensical, but you never truly asked.

Rubbing my knee, expecting me to cum, your arms would go numb. And so now, burntout, from trying so hard without knowing what.

Wasn't it easy, wasn't it fun? That last beautiful time. It hurts even more.

I'd open my veins today, I wish you would come to stop me. I wish everything was truly ok. But I have nothing anymore.

The table I got, all my possessions, I want none anymore.

I took the note on my fridge, stored it in the book, it's facing the other way so I can't read the spine. I'm so glad I read it, now I won't move it again. 

Against all my wishes, today again I wish I was dead.

Black hole

I wanted to help you heal, 

yet all I did was hurt you deeper. 

I wanted to coat your heart with my love 

until only scars were left.

I wanted to kiss your harsh edges 

for to show you their worth.

I wanted to bathe you in my warmest embrace

scaring violent memories away.

I wanted to feed you kindness and song 

to free you from self-imposed chains.

There was so much I thought I could 

bring to your wounded soul,

so much I wanted to hold for you.

Yet all I did was to hurt you deeper, 

stab your brain with panic, 

nail your armour down in steel,

erase your golden heart,

and smash your fire till you

no longer could shine.

That is my curse,

all I touch dies, 

slowly, 

and you

were my victim, the one 

I hoped would end this cycle.

Yet history repeated itself, for

my void swallows it all,

and you of all creatures

deserve the sun, 

not 

a black hole.

I'm sorry amor, I promise

I won't hurt no new hearts.

I promise I

won't spread death no more.

I'm sorry you,

love of my all my lives, 

there won't be more 

after you.

No one else,

deserves better,

and despite it all, at times

I wish I'd never been summoned

into this fever dream I

made of you and I.

I'm sorry to have destroyed 

your precious mind.