Some beliefs say that the first 12 days of the year foresee what the whole year will be like, and as for the series of states I have been, I am almost praying so that's not true.
However, there is one good thing I have accomplished, already. I found a path that it seems I could follow without losing interest, and with which I could fulfill this perplexing diagram of life. See I didn't realize it before because I have never been exceptional at it, and in that school, in which I wasted and traumatized 12 years of my life, you needed to be the best at something or you were nothing, and would never be anything.
As if "being something" wasn't already a fucked up idea since we are all already something, you know what I mean?
But as I get older, as I get lonelier, as I get sadder yet better to myself, I also internalize this concept of a meaningless existence.
I get anxious when I count days, my stomach gets all tight and my head feels light as I get pale in fear. Because of this lack of meaning. My loved ones will die, and so will I, but I have to waste my days trying to make this world a better one since people are afraid of this emptiness, therefore, create all this stupid rules that are completely unnecessary.
I am talking about the structure of society itself, about language being so divisive, about my mother that doesn't acknowledge her own fears and her own emptiness, therefore is stuck in this entertaining existence within screens, and food, and still sealed tiny perfume bottles.
"You are not the things you own", as if this phrase was not famous enough.
See, sometimes, people think and think and discover deep knowledge that want to share with others, but to share it, they would have to write a humongous book about it and others wouldn't read it, so they believe making it simple enough would make people understand, and for a little they do.
The thing is, we read these insightful phrases and feel that something inside us is moving, something is responding to this stimulus, but that it is. This little butterfly that makes you like this phrase and keep scrolling down and you forget about it, as you forget about the void, as you forget about the lack of meaning, as you forget about the daily bullshit, as you forget that there is a second Hitler as head of the US and he is building a wall and you can't do anything about it because the system is so fucked up and people are so disconnected from themselves and everyone else that they can't see how all the problems are not coming from their neighbors, but from the government, from the system, from the money, from the elite.
That is why these phrases don't really work unless one of them moves you so deeply that you investigate about it, and you learn, and you confront your pain and you live your void and you stay alive.
Please stay alive, please share your knowledge, please love.