(hyper)Sensitivity and love.

I've been meaning to write to you for days now, write and not text because reality is painfully distracting and what I want the most is to tell you about my feelings, about my experiences.
I want to dig deep into me, and you, again as I bleed out, cleanse myself.

Amor mío, tengo miedo.

I am scared of the signs I am seeing, the push and pull, the letting myself be carried into something potentially dangerous. I am still scared of standing up for myself and being labelled as hypersensitive, again. - Thanks mother for not accepting me, so now I have to accept me for the both of us. Thanks, father for not existing...

I am strong though, I am so fucking strong.


-------

The fact that these issues are so present at this exact moment is why I fear so much. But I also feel such different things for so many other reasons, and I wonder if I am as scary as you are.

I want to dive into a forest, go back to my magic and find solace in the solitude of my own loving heart once more because I seem to be losing myself again. Today would be a perfect day to go to the Grunewald, with my green velvet jacket, a blanket, tea, the cards and silence.

I can almost feel the fresh, cold wind on my skin as I close my eyes before the early spring sun, between clouds and leaves in the middle of this chaos. Uncertainty.


-------

I don't feel good, and I want to understand it, but I can't accept it if I keep poking the wound.

It keeps bleeding, open flesh.

I keep bleeding, open heart.

And you come up and I fear,

Don't let go of myself.


I am tired as I bleed out, but I don't know what could make it better. I just know these feelings inside my mind paralyze me when acting would be the best, I keep finding myself in the freeze when all I want is dancing to the rhythm of my fire. I am still scared.

What if my fire is not enough or too much? What about rejection, and the struggles with my own love if so? There is all this tension, this failure, this whole other side of the freeze to be. I see so you all ready, all grown and done, and time keeps passing while I stand here, uncomfortably cold.


I don't want to deal with this anymore. I made a decision, but I always doubt it again and rethink it all, as I wish I had made the right choice earlier on: mental health. But is it even?

Maybe it's time to read to Mara and find the creation within once more, but then you show up with your inside world and make me wonder cause my fire is both petrol blue and pink, it's the art and the mind, the music and the biology, the inside and the outside. (I didn't know you can actually study that.)

The doubt again, you all are so smart and I am so scared of my fire being destroyed by your well-intended judgement and criticism, especially in these things that make my soul burn when I pour my heart out in hopes to find something more, to share something more, and you come and you're right and it's fine, but it all crumbled, I fall apart and it's all gone. So I am really scared of the time when I can't put myself together again and I end up having wasted most my life in something that made me happy but led me nowhere.

My passions and my soul are intertwined too deeply, so if my creations are destroyed, I am too. Though I do know that this is the only way to move, courage and fear are born in the same place. I have the fear, I need to tap into the courage and feed me more love, from my heart to my own.



I just need some more love from my heart, to my own.

Dolor, miedo.

Tengo miedo mamá, papá.
Tengo algo que ninguno de ustedes puede curar, impotencia, enojo, por un sistema que no funciona, que destruye todo lo que toca, que nos hace creer que somos nosotres quienes destruímos todo.

Tengo miedo mamá, papá.
Temo que cuando salgamos de ésta, todo se derrumbe. Sueño con un mundo donde todes estemos juntes, donde haya solidaridad, amor, tiempo libre y abundancia, todes tomemos onces juntes, nos riamos de cosas tontas y discutamos de lo que realmente importa; el amor, la creatividad, las relaciones, la vida, el pensamiento, todo lo que está vivo y lo que no, el futuro, el pasado y el otro lado.

Temo que mi sueño nunca se cumpla porque, mamá, papá, nos están alejando cada vez más.

Este sistema que ha llegado tan profundamente a nuestras mentes y nuestros corazones, que ya no encontramos amor en todo lo que nos rodea. En medio de esta crisis envié amor a mis queridos lejanos, ustedes que están allá, donde las cosas son peores, no por la pandemia.
Temo que sus vidas dejen de darme la compañía terrenal que me han dado, temo no volver a verlos más, por el estado de la vida, por el gobierno inepto e incapaz.

Hoy salí al balcón y lloré porque quiero volver a verles, quiero abrazarles como siempre, quiero mirarles a los ojos; sus ojos lindos, llenos de experiencias, de sueños, de penas y amores, quiero tomar sus manos, nuevas o viejas, limpias o sucias, no me importa. Quiero estar con ustedes, quiero luchar con ustedes, quiero morir con ustedes.

Hoy salí al balcón en un intento de alejarme de todo este constante empuje hacia la pandemia, pero no le temo al virus, le temo al sistema, y temo que no puedo escapar, ni cambiar mucho.
Estoy llena de frustración, rabia y de pena, sueño con la venganza, pero también con la paz, y estoy confundida, perdida.

Perdida entre tanto estrés, entre que el sistema de mierda, que el arriendo, que la plata, que la pega, que mi familia, que mis amores, que mis penas, que mi ansiedad. Quisiera re-crear el mundo a mi antojo, sería todo justo y flexible, fluído, lleno de amor, empatía y solidaridad. Quisiera re-crear a les humanes a mi antojo, desaparecer a algunos otros. Quisiera mostrarles otro tipo de vida, una opuesta al consumo, a la tortura y matanza, y al individualismo.

Pero esos sueños son tan utópicos como los de la once. Y con esa pena en el fondo de mi centro, como cuando pones el corazón en medio de tu cerebro y encuentras el punto medio, con ese centro lleno pena, me voy a borrar, como pueda.





Los extraño corazones externos, extensiones del mío. Mi corazón palpita más fuerte cuando están en mis pensamientos, y sueño con sentir sus manos en las mías otra vez.

A dive.

Um ehrlich zu sein, I know exactly what I feel, and I know exactly what I fear, and I know exactly what I want. But I also know that what I want may not be what is good for me.

I've seen some signs but I keep going because I feel so much, and I wonder if this is the only way I can ever feel this strongly. All the triggers are there for someone like you to kill me slowly, no matter how much I wish for it to be fine, and maybe that is the only reason why this is so intense and addictive to me. What do I have to learn? What is the healthy thing to do?

I am also confused, but I have felt this way before, and you are not him and I am not her anymore, and maybe this time it could work out... Or not.

Or maybe this is me trying to keep the chaos at bay and the only thing I can do is remind myself that I am here for me and I can be happy without this as I have before.

So I can forget society rules, social anxieties and the intense fear of fucking it up with you and just jump head-on diving naked, wounds and gifts, onto the depths of what I feel for you, I want to submerge into you. Intense satisfaction, full of fright but so pure, vulnerable, exactly how I want to live the way I love. Exactly what I meant in "infatuated" though I did not know it yet, that was just a crash, this is something else, nameless but loud as your eyes in confusion.
So I will continue to dare, but letting go of control in both ways, I will immerse myself into the way you make me feel, but let things move at their own pace, it's fast enough already.

I will swim into the ocean of love you are, the anxious confusion that halts you, but on its own time, all on its own time, like fasting for better sleep.






Besides, I still don't know how to call you, and you don't even know my name.

---------
But Dani, don't lose sight of yourself, remember the things that make you full and the wishes that are only for you, from you. Stay on track, lose yourself in moments, not all the time. Remember to give you time for you and keep pushing forward on the projects you love.