This is probably not the end -again.

If this is it, there's more I want to say. 

I love you.

-I don't want this to end, cries my heart, while sane judgement shows up to make some sense. I know, I am just in a lot of pain.-

I love you too, and I wish that was enough. I wish I still had patience and could be my better self, she's been gone for a long time and sadly it's just me in the room with you, over and over again, and I am not good enough. Hell, I don't even know if my "higher self" or whatever, could even be enough! 
But either way, I am all there is to me, I'm sorry.

However, in honour of our extensive misunderstandings, assumptions and over-explanations, I'd like to add that I don't mean that things can't change, just that I am probably not what you need, especially not in our present.

I read today: "Accept limitations of the relationship and invest in the aspects that are actually satisfying", I saw it as a sign of hope but soon my sanity came to remind me that all the satisfying aspects are tainted by this toxicity we have created. 
The pain grew inside me once more. I wish we could have talked, clearly and honestly, because it isn't "the way that suits me", it's a way to make it easier and the only one I know. But I tried, you know? I really tried.

We can't keep living in this illusion and frankly, I don't want to, but I am unable to find a way to change things, I'm unable to speak to you or listen to your answers, I'm unable to witness your anger, annoyance or even your pain anymore and it makes me sad. I wish I could hug you when your nose becomes red as your green eyes close to let out the emotions you can't explain, I wish I could lend a hand then, caress your hair, wipe your cheeks, embrace your pain as one should always with our own, but the tension...
The tension that arises with your pain is what I can't take, my mother floods my brain again and I begin to freeze while drowning in the waves of pure rage. My mother... There's no way out, no right answer, no empathy, there's nothing I can do or not do, to stop her never-ending pain that is always my fault and I must cure as well. 

There was never space for me, not with her, so I always needed solitude, silence and time to process before finding a way through, that is something we never had because you needed quicker reconciliations which I am not capable of giving you while I try to think within the words, the messages, the tension, the bits of me left between the freeze, this sinking ship I have become.

And so I can suddenly think of all the issues we do have and find hope in the silence you have given me today, as I also think it's too late anyway, do you know how hard it is to change patterns? But I can always write, even if you'll be mad at me again for saying too much. It's my life too, I wish I had never stopped writing, I wish I could respect, worship myself as I do others, including you. I wish I gave myself the space, daily, to write things through, without the fear of your nasty look of disapproval.

So be it, be mad, it's not new anyway and there is nothing more to lose:

I love more than one person, that is the first thing I need to say and make very clear once again.

I don't know what the future might bring, I don't know if I will ever change and be able to give you what you wish to have. But even if I did, without it coming entirely out of my own free will, it would be another reason for you not to trust my love and be jealous of anyone who enters (or is in) my life as well.

I wish, instead, that I could share more about this part of my life with you and take away the mysticism and those ridiculous ideas of perfection that take over your mind just because of some things I wrote years ago. I wish you felt good enough about yourself to not feel threatened, knowing I wouldn't leave for someone else, that's a huge reason for me to be polyamorous, not having to choose. But for a long time, I have felt pressured to do so, but I won't, I won't choose, I won't change, I want to enjoy my life to the fullest while I still can. Nobody knows what there is to come, either in our own lives, or with the planet and society, so why can't we just enjoy this shit life anyway?

I know it's different for you, and that is ok, but don't make me change to fit the space you wish me to have in your life. 

I am just not that shape and I don't think I will ever be.

I am so tired of fighting, of the blaming, the victimization, the manipulation, the anger, the tension, the stress, the lack of self-reliance, listening, compassion and empathy. I have no more energy left to explain the same things over and over, listen to them or ask a thousand questions just to try to understand what you are saying either.

No. It's not only you creating these dynamics. We made them together and now we can't have a nice house since the foundations are really damn fucked. 

Sadly, this I am not sure how to fix. I think of a few things, but I don't know if they are possible at all. I guess chronological order is what comes next since one without the others won't create the changes that we actually need.

1. Self-knowledge, radical honesty: Getting to know oneself, really. Understanding one's wishes and needs, values, hopes, fears, traumas, triggers, and especially what would make one happy, how to handle one's emotions and every single aspect of how one wants to live. This is a lot of work, but it's really worth it once you are fully aware of what would and wouldn't fit into your dreams, which will hopefully become your future.

2. Self-care, self-reliance: With getting to know oneself, comes the realization (for most of us at least) that we are all just empty and need tons of care. So the next logical step would be to learn to soothe one's fears, nurture, care for and fulfil one's emotions, needs and hopes, instead of relying on someone else to do that for us, or to simply fill that emptiness with pleasure and company. 
We are all damaged and we all have the responsibility of caring for ourselves first. No one is capable of filling up someone else's infinite hunger, but it doesn't mean we can't rely on others for support or ask them for help, and here comes the third point.

3. Communication: This is something I can't stress enough. Our communication is so fucking flawed and you keep getting angry at me for bringing this up, but communication is everything. It is one of the few ways in which we can truly and thoroughly share our inner world with the outside, with another inner world carrier. I can't know your dreams, fears, values or needs, I can only work from myself, that is until you share and repeat over and over, those wishes and "how-tos", until you communicate your inner world with me, and I can finally be there the way that you need me to, unless I can't but even then, at least we would know.

Sure there are other ways of doing this, showing love or what we need, but they can become painful, tiring and toxic, which is our place right now. If instead, we just told each other clearly, honestly, free of judgements: 

- I need care, and I need that care to look like silent hair strokes while I lay my head on your chest.

- I need compassion, and I need that compassion to look like listening and being gentle when disagreeing.

- I can't stand your anger, so I need to find a way in which we can handle our emotions individually when we are together or in an argument. And this would look like time apart on my side, followed by a very honest talk, with compassion and active listening, what about you?

... 

I could keep going for days, but what for, this is just a release for me. 

This doesn't work if only one of us does it. I ask for what I need and I don't get it because you are resentful since you don't get what you need, but in order to give you what you need, I need to know what that is (communication), and for that, you need to know yourself (1,2). Only then we can find a place of peace, compassion, and mutual and individual care, instead of this volcano we ended up stranded at.

-

Not having my phone exploding in messages and calls, not being followed home or found mid-way by you and having time alone instead, as much as I need to without distraction, is what helps me process and in the end, give you what you keep wishing I did while reading how I do give it to "others", as you call it. 

I need peace and silence to be better, to regain my patience, my strength, myself. 

I need myself to give anything to you, especially during hard times.

I still can't give you what you want, I still can't go fishing for myself entirely because our dynamic is too wonky for this to be easy, but I am trying because I want to make things clear, not right. I am under too much pressure for this to be smooth, so I prefer the space to dig, while I care for my own life, while I soothe my own self instead of trying to understand you, and I hope you did too.

We need to understand ourselves deeply, communicate honestly, compassionately and assertively, and find ways, together, to make things work for both of us. 

But what does it even mean to "make things work"?