Brain Dump, last day of the year.

 Arbitrary, but most humans in the world have the same energy, can you feel it vibrating around us? It's all about change and new beginnings, even if to the universe and to our nature, it means nothing at all. That's how powerful we are, we can make magic if we focus our minds and hearts on a similar goal, but we are so divided. 

I keep thinking of Gaza, the pains that underlie our days, though, for those living it daily, it's not underlying. How can we be letting this happen again, keep happening? How did it get to be so bad and how come there is no stopping the US, once more?

Follow my routines, take care of my brain, body and heart, yet how can anyone truly live under such systems that can, and happily would, murder us for the power of someone who has more money or simply is on the side of evil. At times I wonder if we're actually living in some sort of epic fantasy novel, or dystopian sci-fi, only with a terrible ending; all those things we said to calm our children after a horror film: "It's only a movie, those things don't happen in real life", those things aren't true anymore. We are living the horror, and we have been living the horror for centuries, only it hasn't happened on this land of white flowers that somehow climbed their way to the highest mountains and desecrated how to make use of our existence. 

It's weird to look like a white flower, they tend to open up to me in search of support, but I'm no white flower, and the more I meet my colourful flower friends, I realize how I've been trying to belong somewhere it's not home.

15 minutes have passed in a blank, but I have so much more to say.

Some compassion, some trial and error, some wishes for tomorrow.

 

Will I ever be free from this masking that's kept me in the shadows, frozen in fear and pain?
 Will I ever feel like a human, or will I never experience the joy of belonging?

I wanted to write, for today I almost threw up from emotions, a tension my heart couldn't handle, a talk that went well, yet felt impossible and too messy, how did I get here?

Now I'm anxious and lonely, disconnected and wishing for dissociation, I'm stopping myself from that, instead, I'm trying to connect with myself.
A broken self.
I've been caught up making lists, so I am reaching out for creativity tonight. A candle, some tea: 

Where have you gone?
Darkness has taken your place and there's not much to hold on to, a novel sadness came to greet me at the airport, the usual relief simply observed from afar.
I felt for days how this void of a heart I own, began to move erratically as the end approached; she was waving a painful greeting, reminding me that she would pay me a visit. Here she is and I have fallen entirely once again, and of course, I've bled onto you as well.

I have a class to prepare, but I want to sing, yet I write instead. Fear keeps me from the class, tension from the second and the third is only happening in disconnection from the self. No creation is combusting, just bumpy words.

It's only with practice that this may come back to me. 

Remember all the poetry you wrote each morning? All until the snobby kid said it had no rhythm. Why do you believe those who only see art through the lens of academia? Just like with politics and Germans, why would you have ever trusted them when they love to hate?
Just like those intrusive thoughts and wrong logic, this brain formulates, it's not true. It only reinforces those horrors of the past, but this is something new.

Even if you fear and distrust. This is something new.

Take another deep breath, think of your class, then sing a little and try again tomorrow corazón.

Scripts, only my brain isn't ready; a dump.

 I mean, it's nice, but triggering. 

So many years waiting for you to come home, it feels like a lifetime away now, yet it's imprinted in me.

You're the shadow that never materialized,
the noises that scared me each night
and the feelings that went crumbled into the trash.

Sitting here in silence I feel peace, only it mixes with the memory of those green trousers and the washed out bears shirt, long, blond hair, giant green eyes.
I was just a child. 
Terrified.

Hypersensitive and out of place. 

I don't know if I was born alien or became through the rejection, I still wonder why you decided to have another child, I wonder why did he at all?

_____

Sitting here in silence I feel all my feelings, it's such a deep experience, the mood swings, coming out of nowhere. I have no idea what's up until it overwhelms my heart, I could never have felt so clearly before this moment. I keep growing, learning and trying, yet somehow my house keeps breaking; I just want a home and some peace. 

Not just really, I would rather have the world changed, February 2027 say those who claim to know. I just hope by then I am at least with you. Not just really.
My brain is so confused, it pushes and pulls every single option that could exist, maybe I have commitment issues. Or maybe it's just how I don't know what I want ever. 

All I know right now is that being here alone, despite the triggers, makes it very clear that I need to be truly alone in order to find what's inside my heart. And that terrifies me.
I also fear I'll become more alien and more scared of people once I return, if I did.

Where is this place to retreat?
It's interesting how the older I get, the more I settle into this very dissatisfying reality. Despite its incredible potential, humans decided to divide themselves into teams and play war, force one another, threaten and hurt. Created a whole system to support the illusion of division, represented by hierarchies, countries, races, class and identity politics, so you can pretend you're not hurting yourself, you're not cancer. Only, you are and now we're all temporarily trapped into your system, not even you yourselves can stop it.

You destroyed the unbelievable human experience on this marvellous planet, for absolutely nothing.

______

So yes, I still wonder if the my alien thoughts came from experiencing this devastating reality, or from within, this sensory processing disorder, being wired kind of funny. 

"haha" you'd say.

_______

If I manifest it, will it become true?

A knitting-illustrating-writing corner, getting requests for knitted goods, printing illustrations and seeing my book in real life, hard cover, even bookbinding it myself, with an embroidered cover.

- Go further.

Half the population, only those who can deeply and truly love, in my forest home fits everyone I love and loves me, and is happy, at peace, lovingly compassionate and caring. Money isn't a thing, we work the land, we live by the seasons, we travel to ruins and remember to never get back to that.

_______

Maybe when we die, we actually end the simulation. Maybe that's also a game and maybe there is no reality at all. We are absolutely nothing, really.
Terrifying, this void. But it's so meaningful, this existence, this love, this life. What a pleasure and what a curse to have a body.
Oh, to have a body.

Claustrophobia in this bag of skin and psychosis of the heart. There is no heart, it's always been the mind, which is also the intestine. It sounds as if I lied, I don't. There is no brain and no intestine, it's all chemical reactions, so why am I so jealous, so shy and so scared?

How do I stop being so caught up in this game when I know it's nothing but that: Chemicals within a skin bag?

_______

Maybe tomorrow I'll manage to write the scripts, but I needed this peace, this creativity and freedom to let this frustrated brain roam through the chemical reactions. What a body I have, even if it's not like the bodies you may watch...

What a marvellous body I have. - yet the brain is a harder one: Infinitely caught up. So smart yet so dumb. 
How do I get over myself? I already know the truth and the universe is on my side, it's difficult to let go of that which you have experienced as truth, especially if everything around you supports that hypothesis. 

hypothermia. 

antithesis. 

antithermia?

____

Beach house, but why are you someone else now that you're gone? It's confusing and triggering to know you are rigid here, yet free there. Is it always like that? Maybe that's why I can't climb you up.
Body disgust, learn my fellow alien, to lean into the disgrace of being a human and enjoy this vomit-inducing reality, you'll be fine.

I used to think I knew what I felt, until I decided to start doubting each emotion that came, is it loneliness or peace? What if it's not bad, what if this is just love? - Do that with our pathetic humanity. Learn to touch me without those breaks; maybe you'll take me where you want then and we'll see brighter ahead.

Tantrum (6/12/22)

I don't know if it's the planets, the circumstances of my current reality or the simple, usual issues of my childhood traumas. Still, here I am again, depressed, disconnected, without a clue of what to do and drowning in the confusion of my emotions and thoughts.

Chaos.

He writes to me and I don't know what to reply, the default comes up and I just want to trigger him to get a reaction, but that's not who I am, that's just my trauma response, so somehow I am left at a loss for anything. As if I was stranded in the desert, nothing but sand in sight, the sun perfectly up high, not even my shadow can be seen; my heart jumps into what she knows, longs for home, the abusive, neglecting and diminishing home we know, but thankfully my brain just keeps us still and asks:
What do you feel? What do you want, not what you long for in pain, but if it was up to you entirely, if this was the perfect world for you; if you were exactly who you want to be, what would you like to receive? - We can ask now, I know you're scared, hurt and lost, but if you tell me what it is that you need, I can try to make it come true. For I am here and I will not, ever, abandon you, my dearest child.

Even after such loving words and compassion, she hides behind walls of reactivity. So many emotions that aren't real, just a hurricane of them and I can't reach the eye of the storm. She's sitting there, alone, crying, longing for connection, for compassion, for love, how can I get to you? For I'm standing on the other side, arms wide open, in hopes you can trust me again, despite all the pain I have caused you with my cowardry and ignorance. I'm here now, I'm fully here now, for us, forever.

_____

Ah, trust... - He did turn into all those men, it wasn't as simple as it felt after that couple of talks. Much easier than in the past, yet I've been too hurt too much.
My loveliest girl, with her baggy green joggers and that white shirt with some washed-out print of some teddy bears, it reminds me of your "fuck the police" one. She's still tossing and turning, pushing and pulling, a full tantrum inside my heart, fully surrounded by such impenetrable walls, alone, wishing. Yes, we can ask now, but the fear has also eaten my tongue. Am I still abandoning you each time I don't say what I want, each time I stay too long or leave too soon? 
Treasure of my heart, I want to be a team, I want joy and play and fun, for us both. I want fulfilment and to understand our needs so I can provide us with the healthy, beautiful, satisfactory life we deserve. I'm lost without you, would you take a deep breath and dare to hold my hand again?