It's cold and I barely know when it happened, remember when I said my birthday was close? It is now, but it all still hurts, I'm stuck in a train that repeats the same stop over and over as I loose my breath.
The picture, the sickness, the orgy, every small button unsewn from the sweater. It all takes so much space in my head, in my heart, my stomach, my void. The void swallows everything, but it all stays inside, you all stay inside.
I am lost, nothing moves forward, and I have no clue of a direction. I baked a horrible cake today, put sprinkles because I thougth it would be a loving cake for myself. It was not. It is a hate cake for myself, disgusting, just like me.
Monday, where are you? Help me. How to ask for help if I hate me as much as you? I can't even not-kiss him because of the pressure, "I don't want to fight anymore". "I can't take this anymore".
- masturbation -
And I cry as you cum on all my pain, all my fears.
I wish I had something to go back to, a little retrat disguised as a notebook, or as some thread and a hoop, or a computer program.
I wish I weren't so miserable, I wish I had never been born, I wish you would have answered after.
I'm dizzy, my chest is tight but I can't cry anymore, I am tired. And it will continue to get worse. That certainty I had: "after Sweden.." is as gone as my grandparents after the cancer.
I wish you were not constantly against me, I wish things were easier, I wish I at least had enough money to help my family, or to at least see them and play with my girls, and hug my sister, and cry when I have to come back. As I am crying right now because I miss them so much.
There are so many pains inside me, all in different places but they meet right in my mind.
They make me clench my teeth when I sleep, they give me headaches in the morning, cramps in the unterus and ovaries. They turn each second of nothingness into a torture, like watching a war movie.
My head is in a war with me, and I can only wonder.. How long has it been this way? Maybe it was never any different.
I am at war with myself, and have been since the first time I felt: "I wish I had never been born". Sadly, as you know, the concept of death has been in my mind since I was very young. The unhealthy concept of death that is.
I can still smell the awful cake and I wish to die. Soon I'll be 25 and I keep drifting away on the sinking ship that mever drowns.