Me siento impotente, incluso después de poner mis límites, me molesta que no me preguntes sobre ellos aunque los aceptes.
It must be me that is so fucked up, I mean, you fucking accept them each time and that makes me feel bad anyway, like, are you even interested in me at all?
And there you go asking me about my masturbation, while you masturbate but can't have sex with me. So there I go again, I should move out and break up, I can't have an open relationship with you, I can't not have sex with you. I feel this fire inside me, not like a passionate kind of fire, but the destruction kind, I call that "impotencia".
The English word doesn't work the same, though maybe it does but not in the feelings the word provokes.
I don't need your sad eyes when I am standing strong. I need you to show me that you are interested in my inner world, I need a conversation.
We are back here: Each fucking interaction leads to me feeling like shit, either I state my boundaries or not, and the only reason why things get better is because my feelings wash away over time and you avoid and force me to avoid the talk. Then I care about you and I just push my emotions into a box of things to check on later, and I forget.
I forget myself.
Why am I so clear of this, but I can't leave? Why can't I just stop? Why can't I stand stronger for myself and cut something that makes me feel so bad?
I have been keeping record of our interactions, and it's not looking good. Two bad things for one good, except when I fell completely into the trap: you completely pull back, then give me breadcrumbs and I am content. But I am not happy with breadcrumbs, I will never be happy with just breadcrumbs.
And there again: "get better, take care of your health" that is our goal, but how much more sadness and loneliness do I have to endure until then? I can see my progress, I feel it, but I don't see yours, and then again going into "I need your words", I need you to communicate your progress because I can't know it, I can't see it, and I am believing that there is only avoidance, and I can't take more avoidance.
I feel "impotencia" because I can't force you to move and you won't let me help you either, you don't take me seriously, you dismiss my knowledge and advice, I can't express myself without hurting or pushing you and I am not satisfied in too many ways.
Siento impotencia porque no veo avance en tus procesos y los míos son suficientemente pesados. Entonces qué es mejor: Estar completamente sola, o estar sola y tener ayuda en ciertas cosas?
Suena simple, pero no lo es, porque siempre hay más de lo que cualquier externe que lea esto puede llegar a saber. Y claro, quiero una solución, un consejo, pero nadie puede darme un consejo mejor que yo misma, y hace un buen rato me estoy inclinando por la primera opción.