Today she told me I have 20 sessions left and I freaked out, I didn't expect to see the end of this so soon, though it has been over a year.
I didn't think I would be here anytime either, I still wonder how did it all change so fast? I mean, it was so extremely painful and slow, yet it flew.
Honestly, I kind of miss being depressed and having crazy things happening in my life, though there are still a lot of things going on, and I can soon enough focus on my "goals in the palpable reality".
It is interestingly weird to look back like this.
I remember crying unstoppably, naked hugging a pillow and Mx walking into the room after M would tell him to keep an eye on me when he had to go to work. I remember M calling therapists for me and my fear of doing so because of the German, even if the therapists were advertised as English speaking. I remember getting my first call back from the Spanish speaking one, the excitement and the disappointment when she said: "I think you're not sick, you just need to learn German and exercise" after having told me her story and what a strong woman she was. Running in Uruguay, coming to Germany, studying psychiatry, being always the only woman, so special, so strong, ugh. I tried so hard to convince myself Spanish would be better, yet when I told her I was also seeing another one, she tilted her head and said "ah qué linda", I was shocked.
I also remember the one who didn't even speak English and told me to either learn German or "go back to my country", I remember how I should have just left.
I still want to work on being able to do those things, just leave a shitty situation, fully be there for myself. But don't I know already? I just need to keep on practicing.
I remember meeting her in her old office in Halensee and how lucky I was to have met her before she moved to Schöneweide. I would never have found her then.
And in the whole chaos and weirdness, she listened, she was so straight-forward, yet polite and caring, honest. She never judged, but always supported, how damn lucky I am to have her. It does feel weird to stop meeting her, even if I don't know shit about her... This must be my broken self trying to hold on to something impossible, as usual.
Just like I am chasing an idealization of a person that doesn't exist. I wish it was that easy to let go. Before I know it I get all weird and it's like a test.
And as hours have passed I wonder, was this good feeling just passing by? I am really freaking out now, have I honestly done that much progress? I remember her words:
"Of course you will be scared of swimming if you had a traumatic experience in the water, but you have learned to swim, so it won't ever feel that bad again."
She is right, but I am freaking out anyway.