Having spent some time feeling appreciated and worthy, I come to the realization that what I am asking for is not unhealthy, I am not being clingy or needy or too much.
I have done enough work to stop covering my pains and fears with others' company and daring to face them as it is best for me: on my own.
What I am asking from you is not too much. I am reading a book and in it, there are pieces of a love story that keeps me feeling butterflies and pain, and as I gaze at each word, I come to understand that it is not only me, the breaking tool.
And though I wish I had been confident enough to stand up for this on my own, seeing it clearly makes me shake in my grave: I buried myself, alive, and the more soil covered my naked body, the more I believed I was cold, still, dead.
I understand now that the way I feel makes sense to the way we are. How could I not have judged that I am worthy of love when all I saw was me crawling to you, while you were just there, strong and still?
Though that was my own perception, right? I know now you are not standing still or strong, you are just standing, trying hard, and I am sorry for not having seen that before despite how much you told me.
I doubt myself, my heart, my brain, my body... All because I always pick the pie that gives me stomach pain, I eat too much, sugar addiction, love.
So, how do I break the pattern? How can I continue without this if it hurts and scares me? I worry about you, about me and my loneliness. I see you standing still, and decay trying to hold your head against my chest to keep you afloat.
You don't need me I know, but I won't leave you alone now because I care about you too much to just walk away like this. And then the fear comes to mind: What if I am the one causing all of this? What if this is my doing somehow and if I get out you will be just fine? Well isn't that what I want for you, even if it is without me?
Yes.
I have gone a long way, and I have embraced my solitude and understood my joys, and though it is hard for my mind to believe that I am ready, my heart tells me I am. The reasons for this have shifted, the fears are still there, but I have stronger feet after walking barefoot on the stones for so long, naked on this cold beach, stares grilling my breasts as I despise them in the reflection of the water. I have seen the hate at the center of each step, and the broken love deeper in there.
I understand my soul better now, and I can see you more clearly too, and I am not going away, but I am chasing my happiness too.