November's new moon

It's been enough of insecurities, it is time to just be. Yes, I am who I am, and if I didn't have this scar, I still may not be all I wish I was:

I may have been raised to smile and please, and no matter how hard I try, it may always stay with me.

I may have been raised to think I am wrong, and no matter how right I am, I may continue to doubt myself.

I may have been raised to be ashamed and hide who I am, and no matter how much I love that part of me, I may continue to feel uncomfortable when I show it.

I may have been raised to never show my anger and through so much work, I can show it now but I still feel bad when I do.

But it's time to rephrase this story, it's time to find the good in this scar, to explore other facets, to motivate me instead of stating how hard and tiring this whole thing is.

I had a rough childhood, it wasn't clearly rough, it was all about the hidden pieces: The words of discouragement, the pressure disguised as support, the lack of trust, the "no right way out", the lying, the manipulation, the disbelief. 

I don't blame any of them, which is a big step but I acknowledge what it was: unhealthy.

And now the rephrasing:

I had a rough childhood, but it gave me the strength to survive each day of my present. It made me wiser, more empathetic and it made me who I am. I may not love who I am all the time, but I have the choice each day, to keep pushing myself to acknowledge my reactions, recognize my emotions and decide how to behave after that. 

I will continue to fight for who I want to be but accept who I am right now: I get anxious, I get scared, I am shy, and a controlling person. I get lost in others' and it's hard for me to recognize my needs and state my boundaries. 

But that also means that I am a very respectful, empathetic being, that I am vulnerable and in contact with how I feel, that I am great at organizing things of any kind, I am clean and careful, and very relatable.

And that is just part of who I am! I am so much more than only these little pieces that seem so big. My rough upbringing made me a wonderful being who I would love deeply if I met as an outsider because I know how much I am capable of loving, I know how hard I try to make communication work for me and everyone around me, I know how much I try to be honest, open, vulnerable and respectful. 

If I could experience being someone else, I would hang out with me all the time: with a cup of tea, some nice music, some laughter, some cuddling. Some art, some silence, some sex, more cuddling. Some deep talks, some support, some comfort and so much love!

And so, after seeing this marvel I truly am, for this moon ritual I write my deepest (and maybe most embarrassing, but who cares!) wishes for the next six months:

- I fully live by my six core values: authenticity, freedom, open-mindedness, intimacy, growth and love. 

       This translate into a loving, fulfilling, satisfactory, supportive and content non-monogamous lifestyle filled with compersion, comfort, support and respect. A full and easy environmental-friendly lifestyle. A fearless, authentic and unapologetic attitude towards life mixed with my empathetic, respectful, loving ways. In-depth wisdom of my emotions, boundaries and needs, to recognize them right away, react to them authentically, communicate them respectfully, and support myself or be supported by others in the healthiest ways, I have also internalized the knowledge I needed to remind myself in the past about self-worth in relation to others.

- I have found balance in the time and energy to care for my projects, relationships and myself.

- I finished my zine projects on mental health, the craft, society and environmental issues and they are reaching a lot of other minds.

- I speak perfect German.

- I am earning 1.500 euros per month working 20 hours per week.

Now to plant them, even though they are gigantic, my energy is with them and my next six months will be all about working towards them.

              Thank you childhood, thank you Daniela, thank you moon, See you again in six months (and every month until then).

Digging - Merging

The darkness isn't the monster, I know some shadows and I've learned to love them. I have seen my raw self, illogical, overwhelmed and angry, those parts that we don't let out: rage.

I have let it exist with me, and though I am ashamed of it, I accept it. It is part of me and all the spectrum of emotions and feelings that living beings have.

I wish you'd let me feel it too, accept it as I do.

But that is not what is yet to come to light, the monster I am talking about now is one I can't recognize, it has lived in the core of my brain, hiding in the repeating songs that play in my head when my little Freud and Jung come to distract me from what is really important.

Even as I write this, they don't let me get in, so I am smashing them with questions to keep me on track: I am looking for the darkest monster, I am looking for the perpetrator of this all. 

How does she look like?

She looks a lot like me, but better. She has a perfect body, a more mysterious smile, a perfect nose, and velvety skin, her hair and skin change colours at her desire and her eyes glow with passion.

She is a writer and an artist, she is a poet of darkness, a great deceiver. She makes everyone she wants love her, and she is invisible to who she doesn't want. She is the bravest, not a pore of shame or shyness exists in her body. She does everything in such dark delicacy, pale skinny hands, limbs and core move in perfection to create the most drowning performance of a being.

What are her motivations?

She doesn't want me to find out the secret, she doesn't even want me to see, or talk to her, because she knows I could deconstruct her in a second and take away the power she holds on me, we have been there before. She remains hidden in her dark throne at the core of my soul, moving strings, giving birth to lesser demons to diverse me in this labyrinth I am.

But sweety what you didn't expect was for me to give up on it all, to let your children play in my shadows while I go straight for you. And I am here now, right outside your castle, ready to burst in and take you down, so be scared, even if you have never felt that before, attack with all your power, I created you, and you have made me stronger than ever before with all your children's games.

Why is she so strong? 

She isn't. It's only a facade, she is the great deceiver, you see. Making me believe her power is so much stronger than it is, but her neon green eyes have become familiar to me, I don't fear her anymore, nor her children or plans.

You can't hurt me anymore, I can change frequencies and disappear from your realms instantly, get back to this weird reality as you plot your next attack covered by your little friends Freud and Jung, and their stupid songs on repeat.

You didn't think I would become this strong, love.

What is she protecting?

Me. She is keeping my pain in her ribcage, hidden. She is protecting me from daring to fully be myself because it has come at a price before. She keeps me in fear so I stay in the safe zone.

But my dearest, I have grown. I am not that helpless child anymore, I can take care of myself now and you have to know that you are the one inflicting pain, I am striving for freedom and you are my cage. I understand the love that has pushed you into this repression, and it is not needed anymore. I am thankful for you, I want you to merge with me again so we can both find the balance that will bring us what we have been striving for.

Be with me again, there is space for you, I have lived with emptiness in my heart for too long, and I see now that it was yours all along. There was so much pain, so much anger, I tried to fill it up with others, with love, with sex, but now I see how there is no light without darkness, it is all blend if so. And what we want for life is all, the hype, the blend, the low, and I need you to give me the courage, while you need me to give you the logic.

Love, merge back with me, let's find true happiness together, as it should have always been.

Why do I feel I am her entirely? 

Because she is me, as much as I am her. She is the part that was separated and hidden because of the judgement and the pain that our carers and other humans inflicted on us. 

I used to believe she was the perfect version of myself, but now I see that she was all I ever wanted to be, because she was the missing half that I have been looking for, the fearless, daring, courageous part that was suppressed so early on. 

Please my dearest, take over me for a while, show me the wonders I have been missing. Rule us in full power until we find the balance, ruling side by side, no more cages, no hierarchies, merge into each other to be all we always needed us to be.

This will take time and it will be hard for me to let go of control,
I will learn to trust you as you show me how things will be just fine.

We are here now, both ready to hold ourselves in adversity 

and jump down the fall.

The monster I truly am.

How can two be this?
So much and so little, silly and serious, anger and compassion.

As if a tornado was orbiting over our heads, we are spinning in a sick dance of emotions, we are up and down, both naked trying to stay afloat in an ocean of dark, icky goo.
But here we are, moving our limbs desperately, breathing in huge chunks, eyes closed under, opened over, yet blindly searching for some quietude and finding, instead, each other's arms: comfort, yet we drown, and for a moment it feels right, almost healthy, to drown next to you.

But when my ears are covered, and I can hear only my mind, I want to survive, to live! I want to find the shore and experience what this cruel world has for me, I want to move my limbs desperately, on land.

I know the goo is me and you, I can't escape its darkness, its stickiness, but I can keep swimming trying to find soil, instead of settling for the drowning.

I want you to find land, I want you to experience true happiness, not what I can give you:
Fake, selfish love, hindering you from being your true, free, full self, convincing you this is what love feels like when all I am is an obstacle. A monster. I am destruction and deceive, and you fell for my charms, you are my type, but now, I want you to go away and experience what life really can be, how love really can feel.

Give up

Accepting feels just like giving up. Being open to change, letting go, stop controlling, loosing up, loosing:
Accept the loss.

I am writing this from a dark place, a gigantic, empty, dark cave that echoes my voice back and forth for years, the shape of old demons hide in the shadows, I feel them crawling up my back. I am in the centre of this cave, no outside walls to lean on, or protect my back. My skin is glowing violet, I know I am strong.
"You're the strongest witch in history, but you are not ready", said the lady in my dreams when I told her my name, the things is, she refused to say it, what she actually did was open her eyes in shock, repeat my last name and closed her books in a hurry saying she didn't know anything, but I could read her as easily as these words.

I am glowing dimly in violet, naked, holding myself between the shadows, letting go of everyone because nothing satisfies me, and I doubt. I accept that this is coming from me, I accept that the luring demons are in advantage since Tuesday, I accept to let go of everyone and everything, except myself.
I will never let go of myself, no matter how failed, how slow, how toxic I feel, even if I truly believe I am either a demon or cursed, I am all I have, certainly, until I die. I know my worst and my best like no one else and through this pain, this never-ending loss that is life, I won't let go of my own hand.

I give up, and it is painful, draining, exhausting. I will never get what I want, I will never be satisfied with anyone else's love, so I am letting go of all of you, and accept the pain that you have and will cause me for the short moments of contempt that we will share.
I will fight hard to not let my heart turn into stone between the scabs of the cuts we have all inflicted on it. I will continue to dimly cover my body in violet light, hold my naked body in this cold, emptiness, and stare into the darkness that contains my demons. I am strong in this vulnerability even if it just means to write sad words and share them on the internet like a morbid secret diary.

I am giving up on you all.

Process

The light grew dim outside, my cheeks were dry from the tears I hadn't cried, but your voice was on repeat for two years.

The ember on the fire was burning red and we were safe inside, behind the window, between your dark sheets, dressed and sat up. I looked outside, the city, I looked inside, the black forest that is my mind, and between, there you were, with your hopeful eyes, crying of happiness like you did that time after you came.
It all feels so far now, it all feels awkward and alien: your childish jokes, the way you move, the way you comfort me like a cute pet. It doesn't make sense anymore.

This little flame that kept us alive through the toughest of times is losing strength, and as much as I don't want it to die, I don't see another end.

Nothing is forever, but February you said, so February I wish.

It is a complicated recipe, freedom and compromise. I am drowning in this dive, even if I dreamt I learned how to breathe underwater fast enough, maybe I just have to be patient and keep diving into the depths.

I miss you, and I don't want to say it aloud. 

You didn't say anything about it, did you? 

This is another topic, love.

I was so scared about the blood, but it is yet to come, funny the relationship between things: The truth is out, so is my unborn child.

Good night.