The darkness isn't the monster, I know some shadows and I've learned to love them. I have seen my raw self, illogical, overwhelmed and angry, those parts that we don't let out: rage.
I have let it exist with me, and though I am ashamed of it, I accept it. It is part of me and all the spectrum of emotions and feelings that living beings have.
I wish you'd let me feel it too, accept it as I do.
But that is not what is yet to come to light, the monster I am talking about now is one I can't recognize, it has lived in the core of my brain, hiding in the repeating songs that play in my head when my little Freud and Jung come to distract me from what is really important.
Even as I write this, they don't let me get in, so I am smashing them with questions to keep me on track: I am looking for the darkest monster, I am looking for the perpetrator of this all.
How does she look like?
She looks a lot like me, but better. She has a perfect body, a more mysterious smile, a perfect nose, and velvety skin, her hair and skin change colours at her desire and her eyes glow with passion.
She is a writer and an artist, she is a poet of darkness, a great deceiver. She makes everyone she wants love her, and she is invisible to who she doesn't want. She is the bravest, not a pore of shame or shyness exists in her body. She does everything in such dark delicacy, pale skinny hands, limbs and core move in perfection to create the most drowning performance of a being.
What are her motivations?
She doesn't want me to find out the secret, she doesn't even want me to see, or talk to her, because she knows I could deconstruct her in a second and take away the power she holds on me, we have been there before. She remains hidden in her dark throne at the core of my soul, moving strings, giving birth to lesser demons to diverse me in this labyrinth I am.
But sweety what you didn't expect was for me to give up on it all, to let your children play in my shadows while I go straight for you. And I am here now, right outside your castle, ready to burst in and take you down, so be scared, even if you have never felt that before, attack with all your power, I created you, and you have made me stronger than ever before with all your children's games.
Why is she so strong?
She isn't. It's only a facade, she is the great deceiver, you see. Making me believe her power is so much stronger than it is, but her neon green eyes have become familiar to me, I don't fear her anymore, nor her children or plans.
You can't hurt me anymore, I can change frequencies and disappear from your realms instantly, get back to this weird reality as you plot your next attack covered by your little friends Freud and Jung, and their stupid songs on repeat.
You didn't think I would become this strong, love.
What is she protecting?
Me. She is keeping my pain in her ribcage, hidden. She is protecting me from daring to fully be myself because it has come at a price before. She keeps me in fear so I stay in the safe zone.
But my dearest, I have grown. I am not that helpless child anymore, I can take care of myself now and you have to know that you are the one inflicting pain, I am striving for freedom and you are my cage. I understand the love that has pushed you into this repression, and it is not needed anymore. I am thankful for you, I want you to merge with me again so we can both find the balance that will bring us what we have been striving for.
Be with me again, there is space for you, I have lived with emptiness in my heart for too long, and I see now that it was yours all along. There was so much pain, so much anger, I tried to fill it up with others, with love, with sex, but now I see how there is no light without darkness, it is all blend if so. And what we want for life is all, the hype, the blend, the low, and I need you to give me the courage, while you need me to give you the logic.
Love, merge back with me, let's find true happiness together, as it should have always been.
Why do I feel I am her entirely?
Because she is me, as much as I am her. She is the part that was separated and hidden because of the judgement and the pain that our carers and other humans inflicted on us.
I used to believe she was the perfect version of myself, but now I see that she was all I ever wanted to be, because she was the missing half that I have been looking for, the fearless, daring, courageous part that was suppressed so early on.
Please my dearest, take over me for a while, show me the wonders I have been missing. Rule us in full power until we find the balance, ruling side by side, no more cages, no hierarchies, merge into each other to be all we always needed us to be.
This will take time and it will be hard for me to let go of control,
I will learn to trust you as you show me how things will be just fine.
I will learn to trust you as you show me how things will be just fine.
We are here now, both ready to hold ourselves in adversity
and jump down the fall.