Accepting feels just like giving up. Being open to change, letting go, stop controlling, loosing up, loosing:
Accept the loss.
I am writing this from a dark place, a gigantic, empty, dark cave that echoes my voice back and forth for years, the shape of old demons hide in the shadows, I feel them crawling up my back. I am in the centre of this cave, no outside walls to lean on, or protect my back. My skin is glowing violet, I know I am strong.
"You're the strongest witch in history, but you are not ready", said the lady in my dreams when I told her my name, the things is, she refused to say it, what she actually did was open her eyes in shock, repeat my last name and closed her books in a hurry saying she didn't know anything, but I could read her as easily as these words.
I am glowing dimly in violet, naked, holding myself between the shadows, letting go of everyone because nothing satisfies me, and I doubt. I accept that this is coming from me, I accept that the luring demons are in advantage since Tuesday, I accept to let go of everyone and everything, except myself.
I will never let go of myself, no matter how failed, how slow, how toxic I feel, even if I truly believe I am either a demon or cursed, I am all I have, certainly, until I die. I know my worst and my best like no one else and through this pain, this never-ending loss that is life, I won't let go of my own hand.
I give up, and it is painful, draining, exhausting. I will never get what I want, I will never be satisfied with anyone else's love, so I am letting go of all of you, and accept the pain that you have and will cause me for the short moments of contempt that we will share.
I will fight hard to not let my heart turn into stone between the scabs of the cuts we have all inflicted on it. I will continue to dimly cover my body in violet light, hold my naked body in this cold, emptiness, and stare into the darkness that contains my demons. I am strong in this vulnerability even if it just means to write sad words and share them on the internet like a morbid secret diary.
I am giving up on you all.