The disorder of my life doesn't feel like creative chaos, something to thrive from, but just a pile of things intertwined with each other that I somehow cannot quite understand or pick apart without having them all fall and flood my life.
How did it come to this?
I barely remember how the year went by, between unfulfilled dreams and the unintentional reopening of deep wounds, it's like I spent the whole year surviving. Not quite nurturing my heart, nor caring for my mind or body, or life for that matter.
What about the changes and turbulences?
This year I moved houses twice, from a place of too many people to a place of horrible Inhumans, to finally, my own comfort and peace.
So it makes sense I've taken time to arrive and rest. My nervous system has been on edge for years now, my entire life to be honest, between the drummer, the first school, my mother, the romantic pains, the lack of safety outside, the fears, the uncertainty of uni, while having a shock about how most people are, the money issues... And that's all before moving away!
Since I came it's been language differences, shitty jobs, shitty boyfriends, shitty friends, deep loneliness and not even having a stable and safe home... And let's top it up with hypersensitivity, possibly either ADHD or autism.
No wonder I'm having such a hard time! How long would it take me to truly rest? What do I need to be able to come back to my body and feel safe?
Integrating practices to support myself, that's what I'm trying.
Learn about somatic exercises, come home to yoga once more, take time to be a creative child, be in silence, re-read my therapy notes, meditate regularly, write again and cry again, eat more natural ingredients, take my vitamins and minerals, reconnect with my sexuality and sensuality, dance again and learn to fight.
I'm making a list of things that make me feel good about myself and I'm making a list of things to work on so I feel good about myself. Because what I need the most right now, is to regain my self-worth and feel my own feelings again.
But before the end of the year, I am challenging myself to get my life in order, while nurtuting my home-body and heart. I'm freeing up space in my brain for joy and calm, hugging my heart to let it know it's safe to feel, learning to trust myself again, consistently making my body stronger despite the triggers at the gym and I'm making my home the best for myself.
I'm learning how to take care of myself now that I have a safe space.
I'm learning how to heal my heart through my body.
I'm learning how to put the armour down and be myself again.
So here is a little gratitude list:
- My beautiful home
- My gorgeous friends
- My supportive partner
- My loving family
- My sensitive, caring and hard-working self.
Now let's get on with the day, my love.