26

Another year has passed and for the first time, even though it feels extremely weird, I am excited and truly believe that this day will be wonderful.
I am sick, but I don't mind.

Finally part of me is feeling like the person I always wanted and could be: I am free and open and loving, my values are met within myself and I can put them into the world into an infinite cycle of expansion. We are fountains of overflowing love, that have been clogged by the worldly issues, the lack of freedom, the judgement, and once we sort out our minds, the water can flow calmly onto ourselves and others.
That is how I feel today, I can be completely honest, I can show my love to everyone without fear of them leaving, I accept what I can get, and I express my needs, but I have found this place between my ribs where I feel accepted, worthy and loved.

It has been an intense journey, full of downs! But it is all worth it because I am where I am right now.
The work is not over, and don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things I need to deal with still, like understanding this new, clean love I feel which is entirely opposite to the toxic, possessive one I felt before, I have to keep on testing and holding up my boundaries, plus all the things that life throws at us, but that is all ok.
I feel strong, capable, worthy and loved, and I know whatever happens I have me, always, unconditionally.

We are all unique, infinite, wonderful universes within ourselves, and no one can ever give us what others can, but we can give others somethings no one else can give them.
We are all one of a kind, and we are worth exactly the same as anyone else.

Capitalism has brainwashed us to strive for being "more" constantly, and knowing that our worth is immovable, unchangeable, gives us the power to settle and strive for what we want for and from ourselves, instead of comparing it to others.

No one is like you, no one is like me, and the journey will continue.


This is not a poetic-ish text, this is just pure, cleat content. "Contentment is the base to happiness"- said a wonderful person some days ago, and I think it is completely true.

I will dive into the happiness poetic writing soon enough, but for now, I have a novel to write, a forest to walk, a lake to get into and candles on a cake to blow!

Happy birthday to me, the wonderful, unique and finally fully me.

i n f a t u a t e d

I used to do this to lose myself, now I do it to find me. It's an experiment to become stronger and wiser on this topic I want to be an expert on: myself.

                                                                           °

        The sun shone on your face like gold and I sighed, "you are beautiful"- I didn't dare to say it, but you did: "the sunlight really suits you", I blushed. When we exchanged positions and you asked me to close my eyes, I followed your request as a child, fully trusting, nothing could go wrong. 

         You waited for a second as my eyes were closed and hesitantly asked for permission to touch my face, I agreed, laughing, and so I felt your warm hand on my forehead, lower on my cheeks, surprising different spots around, my nose, my chin, always soft and gentle, until you stopped. I opened my eyes and this is where things went wrong. 

         I looked into your eyes after such strange intimacy and felt something, that typical something of me that keeps me turning and daydreaming, and if I am not careful it makes me spiral into believing there is no place I belong, no home where my heart can be. I am an addict, and it doesn't happen often, I tend to forget about it then and I live without it easily, but when it comes, it hits me like the autumn morning sun in Berlin, like today as I sit in front of this screen for the third day in a row trying to make a decision on how to live this love that I keep inside. 

        I just wish someday I can be brave and strong enough to fully show all the love I have without stopping myself in fear of them leaving, people leave when they feel scared, and we live in a world that what fears the most is love, because it wants to appear strong. What we are yet to find out is that the opposite of strength is not vulnerability; it is weakness, and that is much more related to avoidance than to crying.

        When you know you are responsible for your own feelings, and not for others, it is not too much to be loved like I love. When you know you can take what you want from what I give, and give what you want, it becomes easier, open, radically honest. When you understand that things aren't ever perfect and are open to accept any outcome, everything is ok in the end, and we would have experienced such deep, free love, that it would always be worthy. 

       Maybe resilience is the keyword, or emotional regulation, or self-love.

       My love is not your responsibility, I wish you knew that as I know it now. I wish I had known that before, we have been through so much, there is such a big field of needles we have to walk through. I am sorry for what I did to you, no matter how unintentionally it was, I am sorry and I want you to know that I understand things better now. You don't have to take responsibility for my emotions, you only have to take care of yourself, so you can decide to give me what you want, and if it doesn't work it's ok, whatever comes will be just fine, as long as you handle you and let me handle me.

        However, right now, I have a crush, I am infatuated, I am overpowered by this feeling. I am addicted to this feeling and I want it all right away! A decision must be made, do I dive in fully and risk losing that gentle touch, or do I play by society rules in a cold war of hidden love*?

I am addicted to love.

                                                                            °

*Love: There are too many things we call love, and I want to point out that to me this term goes from: seeing a parent and a child being happy across the street, to having spent 4 years getting to know someone, gone through super ups and super downs, broken up, being sad, hating them, being ok, and finally saying goodbye and feeling them always in a special place in our hearts.

           Love to me is anything that makes my heart feel warm.

Basura cerebral 12 (20)

Cómo dejar salir todo lo que está en mi cabeza? Puse una alarma, 12 minutos desde ahora, veamos qué sale?

Desenredar. 

Annabelle, obvio que su nombre tiene belleza en él. Cómo puede haber tanto dolor detrás de una sola persona? Obvio que es amiga de tus amigues, obvio que su cuerpo es perfecto y que se hizo mierda en su tiempo, obvio que sus problemas mentales son brígidos, pero no los cuenta tal como son para que no te pese, qué más obvio?

Yo estaba bien, yo estaba avanzando, sintiéndome mejor, de a poquito iban pasando los días y se me hacía más y más fácil seguir adelante, hasta que ya no. Hasta que volvió lo mental y me atormenta y me aprisiona y me dejar sin respirar.

Vuelve y me quita todo lo que quiero quedarme y me llena de todo lo que quiero dejar ir. Así funciona. Y hoy siento que aceptar y darse por vencide, es exactamente lo mismo.

Andando en bici todo el día pienso en la muerte constantemente, un auto saldrá por la esquina y PJJJ! Chao. Y pienso en que si me muriera ya no me importaría, o sea... no por mi. Me importa sólo por las personas que me quieren, y no son muchas, se vienen tres a mi mente de una, otra medianamente, una más que se le va a pasar pronto igual que toda nuestra existencia en este mundo, y dos que les va a doler, pero por razones del ego.

Nos abrimos y nos hacemos daño. Hoy entendí que tu miedo es tan grande como el mío: que yo encuentre a alguien monógame y te deje, que tú encuentres a alguien no monógame y me dejes. Y tus inseguridades son las mismas que las mías, Annabelle y Andrew. Hasta comparten la primera letra de sus nombres.  Y para los dos, esas personas están en el pasado... Pero para ti ella vuelve y se queda, para mi siempre fue una pasada, como todo en mi vida.

Mi perra vida que es una pasada: Me conoces, me idealizas, idolatras y me amas como si no hubiera mañana, se rompen los lentes rosados y me vuelvo odiosa, insoportable, "annoying", a waste of space I would say.

Y qué quieres que diga, me pregunto a mi misma. imposible no pensar que es mi culpa cuando se da el mismo patrón una y otra vez. Cómo lo detengo? 

Me quiero bajar del carrusel, nunca me gustaron los caballos, me marean, me asustan y me dan puro dolor. Y ustedes en sus caballos me miran mientras sufro y sufren en sus propios mundos, y está bien, pero por qué me hacen tener cierto compromiso con ustedes? Por qué no me puedo bajar no más? Por qué no se aguantan el dolor no más?

Desearía no estar aquí, ni allá. Desearía más poder disfrutar la vida, salir de la prisión. Pero por la reconchetumare que es difícil la weá... Tantos controles sociales, tanto moldeado.

Partió de a poquito, primero suprimí mis ganas de expresar lo que siento, después lo que siento en sí, después el invitarte a salir, después las ganas de salir contigo, después el preguntarte por sexo, después las ganas... Y ahora estoy aprisionada por mis miedos y por tus rechazos, y pienso: por qué cresta sigo aquí?!

Y entonces me abrazas, me hablas, me haces llorar pero del buen tipo, por fin eres honeste, te atreves, encuentras el valor... para hacerme mierda. Y te lo agradezco, porque es lo que te pedí desde el principio, pero cómo se supone que, después de todo lo que hemos vivido, pueda escucharte sin que todo duela demasiado? Cómo se supone que esté bien tras escuchar todo lo que está mal conmigo y lo mucho que deseas a otres, todo de una?

Morite queride, por qué te da tanto miedo que encuentre a alguien más cuando no estás segure de si me sigues amando? Quieres ser tú quien tiene la útlima palabra? Hay tanto de ti que simplemente no entiendo, como tu reacción al tema "A" después de decirme que no me amas, después de decirme que sí me amas mientras me abrazas fuerte?

Estoy confundida y cansada, y mañana vamos a hablar y va a doler y la verdad... quizás un final sería lo mejor, para mi y para vos.

Un peso se te quita de encima, libertad viene a ti, ya no tienes que andar con cuidado conmigo, ya no tienes que soportarme, ni lidiar conmigo, ya no hay más reglas, puedes salir y ser... No veo nada bueno que pierdas si es que terminamos, y eso es lo que está tan mal entre nosotros:

Qué cresta es lo que te mantiene en esta relación? Y qué es lo que te mantiene en esta constelación específica, porque cualquier relación puede darte el amor, la confianza y el tiempo que nosotros tenemos.... En especial si es con alguien perfecte, como tu "A", alguien que te deje ser libre y te ame incondicionalmente, no como yo, que estoy enferma y soy tóxica y hay que aguantarme.

Corazón, creo que lo que estoy tratando de decir es que me doy por vencida.

Daniela, ya no puedo seguir, me doy por vencida contigo.

Me doy por vencida conmigo misma.

Give up

Is this how letting go feels like?
Honestly, it is way too similar to giving up, but who says that is bad either, I mean... Why not give up on things we can't change? Isn't that acceptance anyway?

Today I was overwhelmed by emotions, self-love, failure, sadness, nostalgy, playful attraction, love again (though another kind), discomfort, fun, sadness bomb, fun again enthusiasm, and then back to sadness.
I'm here once more writing from sadness and hoping to give birth to this role model that I'm so much in need of. Show me how to have healthy relationships, how happiness feels like, or I will be, forever stuck in searching something I don't know what it is. Like searching for someone on the streets of a gigantic city, but I only know their name: Happiness.

The better I get, the worse it feels. The more I learn how to deal with life, let go, accept, or give up, however you want to call it, the more suicidal I get.
I don't want band-aids, though these have helped me a lot. I have done such progress, I wouldn't even have thought I could. I remember when I wasn't even able to imagine this, and here I am, yet in my imagination of this wonder, I was not stuck anymore, and overall, I don't feel so different: Stuck, just more regulated.

What is the difference between giving up and accepting?
What is the difference between loneliness and happiness?

I want to sleep now.