I used to do this to lose myself, now I do it to find me. It's an experiment to become stronger and wiser on this topic I want to be an expert on: myself.
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The sun shone on your face like gold and I sighed, "you are beautiful"- I didn't dare to say it, but you did: "the sunlight really suits you", I blushed. When we exchanged positions and you asked me to close my eyes, I followed your request as a child, fully trusting, nothing could go wrong.
You waited for a second as my eyes were closed and hesitantly asked for permission to touch my face, I agreed, laughing, and so I felt your warm hand on my forehead, lower on my cheeks, surprising different spots around, my nose, my chin, always soft and gentle, until you stopped. I opened my eyes and this is where things went wrong.
I looked into your eyes after such strange intimacy and felt something, that typical something of me that keeps me turning and daydreaming, and if I am not careful it makes me spiral into believing there is no place I belong, no home where my heart can be. I am an addict, and it doesn't happen often, I tend to forget about it then and I live without it easily, but when it comes, it hits me like the autumn morning sun in Berlin, like today as I sit in front of this screen for the third day in a row trying to make a decision on how to live this love that I keep inside.
I just wish someday I can be brave and strong enough to fully show all the love I have without stopping myself in fear of them leaving, people leave when they feel scared, and we live in a world that what fears the most is love, because it wants to appear strong. What we are yet to find out is that the opposite of strength is not vulnerability; it is weakness, and that is much more related to avoidance than to crying.
When you know you are responsible for your own feelings, and not for others, it is not too much to be loved like I love. When you know you can take what you want from what I give, and give what you want, it becomes easier, open, radically honest. When you understand that things aren't ever perfect and are open to accept any outcome, everything is ok in the end, and we would have experienced such deep, free love, that it would always be worthy.
Maybe resilience is the keyword, or emotional regulation, or self-love.
My love is not your responsibility, I wish you knew that as I know it now. I wish I had known that before, we have been through so much, there is such a big field of needles we have to walk through. I am sorry for what I did to you, no matter how unintentionally it was, I am sorry and I want you to know that I understand things better now. You don't have to take responsibility for my emotions, you only have to take care of yourself, so you can decide to give me what you want, and if it doesn't work it's ok, whatever comes will be just fine, as long as you handle you and let me handle me.
However, right now, I have a crush, I am infatuated, I am overpowered by this feeling. I am addicted to this feeling and I want it all right away! A decision must be made, do I dive in fully and risk losing that gentle touch, or do I play by society rules in a cold war of hidden love*?
I am addicted to love.
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*Love: There are too many things we call love, and I want to point out that to me this term goes from: seeing a parent and a child being happy across the street, to having spent 4 years getting to know someone, gone through super ups and super downs, broken up, being sad, hating them, being ok, and finally saying goodbye and feeling them always in a special place in our hearts.
Love to me is anything that makes my heart feel warm.