And I hope that you re-read it, but I imagine you won't see what I see, as I wish you would understand the bigger picture at least. Nothing is forever and forever isn't necessarily good.
To believe Saturday was the only reason for such pains you're under is naive, and I ask you: Have I been suffering through this alone the whole time? Am I the only being with memory in this despair we've called love?
Disrespect, once and again. Apologize, once and again.
Repeat the cycle and start over as it shapeshifts endlessly, though it doesn't end.
I want to get out of the hamster wheel, it's no life for me. I want to leave the entire cage. Yet your words always pull me back because how could I leave such a hurt, unprotected heart?
Well, it's not my job. It's yours to take care of your wounds. I've tried enough and it's time for me to tend to mine: the hurt child who I stab each time I go back to you despite all the diminish you've put me through.
No, none was consciously, or not much, but it is diminishing: the disrespect, the screams, the restriction of freedom, the pressure... You don't love me, you love an idea.
The idea of being in love, the idea of someone who would have this position in your life, someone to call your own, someone who fits in the space and image you made for them in your life. But you don't love me as an individual: you don't even understand me.
That I see clearly when I read your words and bend over backwards to understand and communicate, explain in your language - no, not English, I mean the ways you communicate, the examples and metaphors you might understand, the wounds I am trying not to re-open...- while you write a chaos that brings me to my knees in frustration and confusion.
I do this not only with language but with actions. You should have never decided to get into this romance with me: My way of loving opens wounds for you. It triggers you... You have to learn to take care of your child, the one you drown in alcohol and drugs more often than not, the one who you've suppressed so much, he shows up as outbursts of anger that only exist for those dangerously close, while others don't know you at all.
The child within you is asking for your help, to be seen, to be heard, to be comforted, to have a life that is safe and fulfilling for him, and no matter how much I, nor your family, sees this; if YOU don't take the steps to give him space, he won't feel the real love that he, that you deserve. From this love you can find the love you wish from others.
I am incredibly sad but I hope you see now that this is not "such a stupid thing we're losing each other over", it's another sign of disrespect and irresponsibility for yourself and for me, another inconsistency between your words and actions when being with me "is so important", yet you were bored and "fuck you" when I explained how tired I am of the cycle of "sorry".
I hope you understand that "forever" is not real or possible.
I hope you see why I can't let my inner child stay in this pain with you anymore, I hope you can see the threats and the pains.
There have been enough chances given and it's about time to protect myself from (y)our pains. Your pains are yours to treat and I hope that through this 1 year, 8 months and 5 days if there's one thing I could have given you, it was some tools to use on your own to listen and comfort that beautiful child you have within who deserves incredible love, care and protection - from you.
28th of June, 2020,