A colder night, you've left in my heart. Despite the distance and the sun, my lungs feel dry in your absence.
I miss you.
Busy days keep the pain at bay, yet the deafening emptiness of you screams hard. Each lonely night, each incomplete memory of our fantasies, each song from you.
I see you happier now, after all the wishes I believe you had, are.
I'm finally out of the picture, so you can have that which you never wanted to let go of, in spite of the depths of this knife she pushed through my guts and left there for months to move it whenever she felt like it because I feel too much. I wonder if you cared or enjoyed my pain, a sweet revenge.
Ain't no stopping us now, is just another confusion in your soul. See you didn't love me as me, you loved me in relation to you: How I made you feel, the listening and care, the company, how you felt for me, intense, what you could be for me: Worth.
Yet that's no love. Love is acceptance and respect, love is honesty and authenticity, love is maturity, growth. Love is taking care of oneself before an other. Love is liking someone fully on their own, as they are, not an explosion of passion and rage as they break who you wanted them to be.
I am sad, as I miss your skin on mine. I am sad, as I imagine you're finally happy now to share your life with her, who destroyed most of the balance I had just achieved after two years of re-breaking my heart to put the pieces back together in the right places, and I had to start over. But you made your choice, though you keep telling lies, and it is what it is. My turn to accept that you really chose her over and over, while your mouth said me.
It's hard to see that though she didn't listen, though she was selfish and boring, though she used you for her own gain, or so you said... Still, she won. No: You made her win. You gave yourself to her on every scarce, yet loving message. Was it lies? I'll never know because that's exactly why there's no trust left.
All the empty promises, the box-ticking, the double speech, the double speech, the double speech.
"She's not important to me, I don't want to see her again", " we only met three times before I met you" - yet:
"It would be nice to see you", "it was nice seeing you there", "she handled it well"...
And she confirmed: "thank you, babe (K)", "important friendship", "we love and respect each other"...
It's you who lied, to either or, but despite, I can't trust anymore. So it hurts like hell, but as you read this you will only see hate and ammo up your defences as if our love was Counter-Strike or GTA. And she was a delicate flower that you must protect and keep safe.
I am sad as I remember your empty words. I wish I could sleep, but our time is done and I need to move forward. You can finally get all I kept you from, you tried to convince yourself of the opposite, but your heart is too clear for your words to seem real enough, and I'm too sensitive to believe them.
I hope you're having fun tangled in her long black hair after this hindrance of mine. Though also not... It hurts, but you're getting all you ever wanted:
My pain while you're in her.
Let's face it, you always resented me for loving who I love, for living how I chose to, so the revenge of seeing my pain is the sweetest, knowing first hand and deeply, how much it hurts after cultivating it for months, years.
And again I've come to doubt if you ever loved me or it was just infatuation, passion and obsession. Maybe one day you will see.
I do wish you the best Lou, healing and growth, happiness and love, respect and courage. Luck, abundance and success. Truth.
Goodbye baby buoy, goodbye jokes and memories. Goodbye London and family, goodbye disco nights, goodbye jungle and the blessing of Mantra. Goodbye endless sex and satisfaction. Goodbye deep hugs and it's gonna be massive. I guess it was, but all that goes up must go down.
With unbearable pain in my heart, goodbye beautiful love.