A glass of wine with your wife gave me the strength to talk about you, she talked about how you don't fight and I told her about the times you said "but let's not fight", to which she wisely replied: "you have to grab his attention, he's always thinking of many different things, he can't be calm or fully resting. In all conversations he's jumping from topic to topic, but once you tell him to listen, he does."
Then she added her belief of him having ADHD and somehow everything made perfect sense and I could come back, even if it still hurts to believe you don't care, especially after your confession of not letting yourself love anyone deeply to not get hurt, I could understand and not feel too much pain from the lack of questions about my life and the interruptions during my stories.
Once again my suspicion is proven: you are not bad, you do love me, you just can't love fully, even if that "can't" actually means you won't let yourself (and by now it's probably too late).
But as I heal this with family and stars, another hole comes up, there's a freed space in my head, so another of the feelings I've been pushing down comes up: as he disappears into the oblivion of time difference, I miss that hurricane who would make me feel connected, important, missed... though often too much.
I just want balance, so comes Bang Chan: responsible yet free, mature and silly, male and female. Balance.
But my niece would cry and I love her more, though it's entirely a fantasy, why do I keep seeing signs?
Tomorrow I'll have some help and I'm nervously hoping it will actually help. I wonder what's there to come in this healing season.
Things will change sooner rather than later. One month and 5 days.