Isn't it like that? I'm doomed to this existence and it's all on me, I don't deserve any lasting good and that's why it scares me so much when anything is good enough to make me happy. That's why I create problems, pains and fears where there are none, I need to.
I am guilty of having emotions, and thoughts. That's what society says, how could we have created something so plastic with all the wonderful materials that surround us?
I am guilty of my mother's pain, since before being born.
I am guilty of my flatmates annoyance, since before moving in.
I am guilty of my friend's hurt, since before being friends.
I'm guilty of my family's loneliness, since I moved out.
And the only thing I'm not guilty of is his good feelings, but because I am guilty of existing, his broken heart must also be my fault.
And this guilt comes with an eternal weight of mending, and asking for forgiveness. I'm sorry for using the common areas and for not using them at all, I'm sorry for leaving, I'm sorry for staying, I'm sorry for not getting a job yet, and I'm sorry for getting it. I'm sorry for using the sidewalk, and the cycling lane, and the highway and the train. I'm sorry for sitting next to you, or her. I'm so sorry for drinking water, and seeing and breathing.
I'm so sorry for existing in your existence, excuse me please.
That's how easy it is, that's how painful it is. Just keep on and on taking care of other's pain and not letting anyone take care of mine, only myself, because I am guilty so only I have to carry my burden, as I carry everyone else's.
That's how stupid it is, to read it after feeling it and thinking how much of an asshole I can be, to myself. How can I even believe any of this? I must be just brainless, stupid, idiotic, lame, sad, anxious. I must have a problem and I need to go to a therapist because I wouldn't feel guilty for using them if I pay for it.
That shouldn't be the answer, but money always is in this existence that we're doomed to live, with you and him, and they and me.