It is hard to get the balance, it is hard to make them equal, like yesterday at the airport. I know it is not so long, and that I will be fine. The first day is almost gone, just 19 more to go, and I have plans. And my mind knows that, but my heart was racing and tears were running through my eyes like the sudden rain through the sky, down to my head, and arms, and legs, and the ground.
I heard your last message and I felt the goodbye, as a death sentence. It hit my heart with the heaviness of a wrestler and the tears came again. I swear I am trying, I'm trying so hard to stay ok. To continue life as usual, but I mis you. Your beautiful blue eyes finding mine in the morning, covered by those infinite eyelashes you have, then your shaky voice saying "te quiero", and your warm hand on my chest that makes it all feel better. And as I am writing this I am feeling my heart beating just like yesterday at that airport, where I already knew how hard this would be. Because staying busy is not enough, because no one can take my mind and my heart to the places you do, no one feels so easy, no one calms me down and puts me to sleep with such peace.
And I know I'm strong, I know I can get through this, but you know I always think the worst and so far, since you are still alive, you will meet someone else and when we finally see each other again, you will just not love me anymore, because someone else will be there, using all your mind and all your heart, and then what.
This is the kind of thoughts I need to stop. That's what I have to change to be happy, or to stay calm. If we end up, so what.
I am a human by myself, I have been happy by myself, and so I can do that again. Despite how much I love you. Although sometimes it feels impossible to even imagine life without you, because when you turn into two, you expand your heart, your mind into another's, then everything is easy, you have a warm hand, you are accepted without judgement, you are told your mistakes with love, you fight with love, and we don't know that. We don't because that's how we have been raised, everything is a competition, everything is hostile, you have to fight and fight and fight and everyone will always be against you somehow, and so, when you find utopia inside someone else, after a lifetime of capitalism, it hurts to let go even for some time.
We will see each other very soon, it is going to be worth it all, and we will be even happier than we have been so far, everything will feel calm and sweet with your hug.
Just 20 days to go.