How to re-tell this story?
This is so connected to envy and the "I want that for myself".
This is connected to boundaries, the harshness, and the search.
It was triggering to hear you say it over and over again, it was worse when all you said felt on purposely against me like I say yes and that is why you say no, no other reason.
I am just avoiding, she called me "the master of avoidance" because I was so sneaky about it, she just now realized, it's been a year and a month.
I am harvesting, but I am as scared as I used to.
I still want to write.
You both don't need me, but that isn't enough reason to say that you are better off without me. Maybe you are, but I think he isn't. I am not a bad person, even if you think so, with all your judgment and your higher position, sorry I am being so harsh, but I am upset.
Sorry for having emotions and not knowing how to handle them, and reacting when things hurt me too much to deal with it in any conscious and super stable way, but also, I am not sorry.
Because I am trying my best with what I have, I am learning to navigate through myself and with myself, I am learning to feel, to communicate, to understand, to be conscious of all these things, and if you expect a saint to put on a pedestal, that is not me, I don't deserve or want that.
What I want is understanding, for my own peace of mind.
It's not my fault you had me somewhere that wasn't for me, and it's not my fault I disappointed your extremely high expectations. But overall I hate this middle ground, I am scared of you and your clever language, and your harsh opinions. I am scared of that unbreakable judgment that constantly says "you are wrong", I want to learn of my mistakes, but some "you are wrong"s, are only based on your biased experiences in life, and it's interesting since you know you don't own the truth, you know you aren't right all the time.
Today I told her that maybe I don't want to have a relationship with you for you, but for my loneliness, and she said: "does it matter?"
And she was right, of course. I am just finding a way of being ok with something I am not, of avoiding the confrontation because the way you point out every single one of my mistakes, over and over again, is the same way my mother used to read my letter aloud and point out all my punctuation and orthographical mistakes. Never addressing the feelings I poured onto those letters, never addressing her feelings, never seeing my pain as real pain. I was angry and mistaken, that is all she got, while I was broken and scared, she never assumed any mistakes she did, even now she doesn't.
And seeing all the similarities I think, I am barely talking to her, and she is my mother, then why do I still care about you? Why do I even want this closure, if I could just let go of this?
That is still not enough reason for me to think I am a bad person, therefore, everyone leaves me after they have chewed enough of the sugar coating, but this can also be a pattern in the people I like.
I am also wrong and definitely biased, but I don't wait for others to make mistakes just to point them out to make them feel bad.
Like all the comments about what I post on my Instagram stories related to veganism, I don't feel like a higher person, and when I did feel that way, I opened up to you only to receive judgment, judgment, judgment.
So harsh... to me.
You are better off without me, but I am also better off without you.
This talk scared me because it will change the dynamic and we are forced here.
It's hard wanting to be so harsh, honest, brutal, but when it comes to the time of talking I freeze, I fear, I forget and I get distracted. I don't even know what to say... Maybe start with:
I am hurt. The interviews triggered me because I had to hear you saying the same thing about friendships and boundaries over and over again. I know it's not fully related to me, but I am also in there somewhere, and I am not well at handling uncertainty. So all I want is to know if you want to continue/restart this friendship, if we'll just be mates from now on or if you need time to decide and you will come to me to talk about it.
I want to know if it's just me and my issues that make me feel you are actively against all I like, do, want or say, or not. Because I have felt that way for a very long time now, and the interviews made it even more clear.
Sure, maybe I am being all crazy about this, but this is who I am. I overthink these things, and I feel that you trashing Florence and the machine, as harshly as it can be without making it clearly inappropriate over a pretty chill talk that definitely didn't need that, is about actively hating me and all I am, or not. Because that is how it feels, though this is just one example, and very superficial, I do feel like you hate me, you like all that is completely the opposite to me, and well, we used to be friends, and I honestly don't know how you got there, if you did.
I know this may change things a lot, but at least it won't be tiring me little by little after each time we spend any time together, I want to be free from this burden and I want an honest answer, to look for a way to handle this for me.
Then the things I won't add are all the shitty comments between lines like: "of course you will point out all my mistakes as you read this because I am not using an inclusive term for this, or I am using an insensitive term for that, mother", "of course you won't even care about this because you hate me as I have felt throughout this whole process", "leave me alone, let me be, stop judging me".
There are more things I won't add because it will only taint the message, even if I really want to discharge my rage and pain.
I regret having said that I miss you, but that is my pride and my extremely hurt inner child being judged by their mother. However, as I write this, I don't care anymore what your answer will be, it's awkward, but I don't have the energy for this, and I don't want to have it, so as I deliver this, I am letting go of you, your opinions, your judgment and your fake superiority, mother.