"I feel miserable, he rejected me again". Water started clouding my eyes as I formulated another sentence, I knew it was the same topic over and over, " maybe I should just break up with them, maybe I will never be happy with someone like that. I need to be with someone enthusiastic, not with someone from who I receive constant rejection in so many different ways".
Jana sat on her chair, with her eyebrows held up through the middle as a sign of empathy for the person sitting between next to and in front of her, even though she had heard this exact same phrasing over and over again.
That woman is a saint, though... it is her job.
Should I stay or should I go is what comes to my mind every single day for the past year, and I dreamed about them and her again, but my dreams have changed drastically. In this one specifically, I said all I wanted to say and left them without regretting it. And they came running behind me in pain, "I don't want to be with her".
However, my dreams have changed, but not the way I feel.
I still feel like I am drowning in an ocean of toxic waste with no land on sight, I can't breathe the air outside because it is just evaporated poison. It is way too hot lately, inside and out.
The toxins are making their way onto my bloodstream and I can't stay focus anymore, I feel my feelings and I cry inevitably, there is no easy way out, either I drown or I keep pushing through. I wish there were scrapped pieces of anything to hold on to and navigate through this, but there is around me at all.
The fluid is turbulent, gooey and dark, I can't see past my own neck, and the horizon is always bloody red. I wish I were dead, because I am so desperate, though I don't let myself drown, I don't know exactly why.
I am thinking of my mother now, how she won't let herself drown, her fear of everything, without the awareness of it, always so proud and toxic, just like this ocean. I hate her so much, yet I feel so guilty about it. I still wish her happiness, to heal and find what she deserves, she had such a difficult life, but it is not my responsibility to either fix or take care of her.
I still feel so much guilt, I still wish we had a healthy relationship.
I don't know if I have only been avoiding these feelings, or if things are actually better on that. I wish I had a mother, instead of a monster. I wish I had been born in a healthy family, all would be so much easier.
Maybe I would have understood who I am from the beginning, I would have seen and accepted my changes, I would have known and pursued my passions, and accept my flaws. Maybe I would have loved myself no matter what because no one would have taught me that love is a conditional thing. Maybe I could actually love fully and unconditionally because I would have gotten that as a child, instead of manipulation and love on demand.
I was a human being, not netflix.
And now, as I say this, I wish I could hug that child and tell her "Dani, tú mereces amor incondicional, igual que todos los demás seres. Tú eres una llama brillante dentro de tu propio cuerpo, tú eres tuya, y no importa lo que hagas o no, las decisiones que tomes, los errores que cometas, eres una persona que merece amor, y yo siempre voy a amarte, aunque nos enojemos o discutamos, aunque a veces sintamos que nos odiamos, siempre siempre siempre te voy a amar, y voy a estar a tu lado."
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I still don't know if I should stay or leave, I checked for help to find a place to live, just in case. I am still lost and drowning, but maybe that little flame inside me has hope on me, it loves and believes in me no matter what, and maybe that is why I keep swimming in this ocean gooey dark water.
Maybe there is water in this fluid, and that water is giving me enough strength to keep pushing forward.