I've been having this urge to write, but nothing comes out. Each time I finally manage to sit in front of the computer, too many expectations come and destroy all this could be, I cry and go back to bed.
I want to write a story because I haven't in such a long time, but there are so many things inside me that I can't really focus on anything external at the moment, and turning the inside into a story may be too difficult for the current state of my mind.
I can't focus on anything for more than 3 minutes, seriously, writing these few words has been a headache, but I need to, I need to do something to bring me back to myself.
And what is more me than writing, I started as a child, it was the only way for me to talk about my emotions, and it was what I loved doing the most as I had to wait for entire evenings in my mother's office, in that time when the internet wasn't "a thing", and smartphones didn't exist, I am talking you would carry paper and pencils to write and draw for entertaining yourself.
Sometimes I think about those times and wonder if they were actually better? Because I see a lot of "better" there, but then I get stuck thinking about how we could do so much better with the resources we have now. Though we are stuck in the goldfish focus span, the stressful, always in a hurry, little time society and culture we are living.
When will we slow down? No more growing exponentially, what about enjoying life now?
And then I try to do that on my own, with my own life, but my partner is impatient and in a hurry, and my job is delivering food as fast as possible, and my friends don't have the time, and I have far too many projects to be able to focus on one and do it slowly, enjoying the energy and emotions of the creative process.
And now is when I get to that overwhelming emotion of not wanting to keep on working on this forever, thinking about the future, about the German, about the world coming to an end, about my nieces, and so I cry again and lay on my bed, depressed once more.
I don't want to go to work, I want to write today.
Each time I start writing and I feel stuck, this moment of light comes where the words just flow out of my fingers and I don't think much as they just show up on the screen.
I want to write a story, a novel, a sequel... And when I think about the process that it takes, to create a world, and characters and situations, I feel overwhelmed and I get all into aesthetics and I want to draw the characters, but I am not good enough a drawing for my own expectations of how I want this illustration to look like.
Leo is moving out and it makes me really happy because things never really worked with all of us. But also this brings a lot more triggers, pressures and fears...
I am in a really bad place again, I tried really hard to stay positive, stay in the moment, present. And it worked for a while, but then the deeper pains came out again. See I think that the problem with being present is that it may lead you to just suppress what is making you unhappy, and that is extremely problematic because usually, feeling unhappy is a signal that something needs to change. that there is something you have to pay attention to.
Maybe though, this is just my lack of fully understanding the "being present" thing. It's pretty hard to understand things deeply nowadays because there is so much shallow information repeated all over the internet... Like someone found a phrase and then just built a bunch of shallow stuff around it without explaining it better, and then to find the real stuff you have to buy a book or something...
The internet can be so great, and also so shitty.
I want to do morning pages again, or the "daily vomit", some kind of emotional part to add to the morning routine, but I am scared that it won't work if I make it bigger and longer. I can only do it so far because it is easy and it feels good.
Today I showed up for myself, I did my morning routine though I am feeling like a zombie slowly rotting inside. I should celebrate, but I don't know how.
Last night I was feeling so bad. These past few days I have felt so tired, and I just don't know how to take care of myself.
Sleeping is impossible in this weather, this light, this noise. Meditating doesn't work right now because my mind is constantly going too fast and never shuts up, art stuff don't work because I am not good enough at them and so I just demotivate myself thinking I am a failure, studying German demotivates me too because it is hard and I have been here for far too long to not speak it already... And writing... the story, the novel, the sequel...
I can see perfectly how all of these are just expectations that keep me from doing things, but it is hard to let go of them. I mean, if you want to draw, and it turns out really horrible, or even worse, you can't even do more than a line... An ugly line! How can you feel good with that?
"You tried" isn't a compliment... fuck this society that poisoned us to believe that "you tried" is not good enough.
So, here is the teaching of this writing:
Work on changing the poisoned meaning of "you tried" because "you tried" is good enough.