I finally figured it out, partially, though. I am deeply toxic.
I don't mean this from a victim's place, I don't need them to say I'm not or try to prove otherwise. I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who is wounded, hence toxic. Someone who has fought her entire life against the same monsters, being outnumbered at all times, even now, over 30 and still at it, burnt out, and they're still as strong as they used to be.
The fishbowl we each live in, I heard today, can be enlarged by decisions and small changes, but habits alone won't free us from the glass, especially if it's so dark in here. Or who knows, maybe it would, and I've just cultivated useless ones, since I've been trying to reach the light while crashing against the same wall consistently for years. Like I collected weapons and ammo that don't work together, now I have a heavy load of nothing, for nothing.
I dreamt about you-him again. My subconscious decided you were Pancho: forever the first partner to ever make me feel both loved and disliked in exact equal amounts. Though, of course, that was already a repeated pattern. My mother was the first, my brother the second, my sister ran away from mom and my father, well, "when the father is absent or has no presence despite being physically there, the mother, without necessarily meaning to, takes that role". Hence, mother-father loved and disliked me first.
So I'm a people pleaser, to prove that I deserve to be liked, not loved out of blood ties or status. Yet the volcano explodes after a while of being perfect, and I continue to be disliked cause I can't even stand myself once the lava is going down, and I cannot stop it, it's too late.
My friend says she's a people pleaser, but she's always imposing her own wishes, or maybe that's just how I feel it when she says what she wants, hurries me up or makes decisions for us without checking with me. That's not part of people pleasing behaviour, I find that very out of my own reality and understanding of this disease.
Since I can't stand confrontations with those who aren't close, my brain learnt to just not know what I actually want, so now if you ask me, I will only realise that whatever wasn't what I wanted once it's too late and I'm unhappy or frustrated.
The truth is, I kind of hate myself, too. It's weird, not knowing my dream and being obsessed with love, so I don't have to continue to see my own lack. Being obsessed with being sexy, while not being able to show myself as anything but a cute child.
People say they're shy, yet there they are having photoshoots. People say they don't know what they want, yet there they are following their dreams. People say they are people pleasers, yet there they are being assertive. People say they have no money, yet they have thousands in savings... I don't understand.
I am shy, I cannot even have a decent picture taken by someone else, and even by me, it takes me years to be comfortable enough. Now, all that process has gone to the trash since I cannot stand to see my face anymore.
I have no extra money to spend, it's been 5 years since I needed a new laptop and can't get it, it's been 8 years since I wanted a sewing machine, and still I don't have it. And as for savings, finally, I reached a couple of months of rent saved up, but it'll all go if I do go to visit my family this year again.
I truly don't know what I want, so all this creative energy is just pointless and turns into frustration and self-hate. So much that a friend asked me in the nicest way, "What do you do when you're not at work?" I panicked and said it was hard maintaining a home, but that I enjoyed writing and reading and cooking and music, which is all true, but the real truth is that I spend my days staring into the wall frozen until I can't stand it anymore, so I put the TV on and eat my feelings while watching someone else fulfil their dreams in a fake world.
I'm truly a people pleaser, so much so that having strong emotions makes me deeply uncomfortable. Yesterday at work, I told my boss we could reorganise something, which makes complete sense, and it would make the workflow much easier for all of us, but she said it was a waste and she and the other boss would have to approve it first, and she didn't. My insides where burning cause I know she's stupid, but she made me feel like my idea was shit, which I know it wasn't. There's also the second layer of knowing if my male coworker, whom she loves, would have suggested it, she would have agreed. There's a third, she takes advantage of how my German isn't the best to pretend she doesn't understand me and speaks her shit dialect to make sure I don't get what she's saying... I felt like a volcano as she walked away doing her stupid "doopty boopty" noises, and I was so uncomfortable, I wanted to hide and feel my feelings in the safety of being alone, even if I know I truly would want someone there, even if I know vulnerability is bravery, even if I know better... I cannot show how I feel in front of others, whether that's my unsafe shitty boss, or a close friend.
My people-pleasing level is deep rejection trauma, not "I need to be more assertive".
People say... I don't say, but it's there and somehow way worse than what I see from those who do say. I try, it all feels so useless, I feel so useless.